Changing of the guard

These are orchids cuz they're awesome.

Today I quit my job. I was honestly kind of miserable doing what I did, depressed even. I wasn't willing to admit it, because I know there is worth to sticking something out, despite it being hard. I would've stayed and ducked my head and done whatever I could even though I didn't necessarily enjoy it. God knew this. So He helped me.

My bosses noticed something was up with me. Last Thursday they called me into their office to talk about where I was at with the job. It gave me the opportunity to be honest, so I took it. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do yet, but I knew that I wasn't enjoying the job. I loved my coworkers, and my bosses were so kind to me. Needless to say it was a hard to decipher how I really felt. They welcomed me into the company with open arms, even buying me a nice birthday cake on my birthday. But I knew in my heart, I was not enjoying what I was spending a greater portion of my day doing. They gave me the weekend to consider whether or not it was a job I really wanted to pursue long term. The first half of the weekend I was just pissed at God because I didn't know what to do. I felt like he had abandoned me, and I felt very alone. Saturday I went to clear my mind and buy flowers for my house. I like flowers. I ended up thoroughly enjoying my visit to one of the greater nurseries in the Houston area, a bike ride away from my house at that. I chatted with a cashier, who was working there to gain some experience from very knowledgeable people in the trade before pursuing a career elsewhere. I left and thought little of it.

Later I went to the public library to check out the comics selection (which is AWESOME). I left after enjoying a few Spidey comics I hadn't read and went out to my car. Often I've struggled with the whole "God will provide" but "you still have to do go out there and do stuff" ordeal. Then I saw some birds foraging through some leaves for food. I paused and remembered some verses in Matthew:

25“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]? 

I thought "hmm... God was providing for them, He watched over them, made sure they were cared for, yet they were still out there getting their food. They still had to go out and get it." So I thought, "maybe if my heart's desire is for a change of scenery, maybe I outta go out and get it." So I went back to that nursery. I took a Park Planning Design class in college. It harped heavily on the importance of creating spaces people enjoy, making it comfortable, beautiful, and peaceful. We had a project where we went out to a plot of land recently purchased by the city, and we designed our own park out of the land. I loved the opportunity for creativity, to make something beautiful out of something that was rough, untended land. I remembered how much I loved that, so I went back to that nursery and talked with two of the employees. I ended up having a great conversation with them. They were my age and spoke highly of how great of a place it is to work, gain knowledge of the trade, and potentially pursue greater interests in the future. I picked up an application, not knowing what I'd do with it, and went back home. I spent most of the rest of my weekend severely contemplating my future, really evaluating what it is I love and what it is I love to do. I discovered much of what I had already come to realize in the past but had discounted because it didn't seem plausible. I loved the prospect of creating a space people enjoyed gathering in, a place people could connect and relax and be at peace with one another as they shared the stories of their day. I tucked that in my back pocket and went to sleep Sunday night and decided I'd make a decision in the morning on my future with my current job.

I called an old friend for advice upon waking up. I told him my situation and told him what I do at my current job which in a nutshell is "taking orders from others." I take reservations, answer the phones, and stare at a computer screen editing word and excel documents. There were occasions where they asked me to create web pages, flyers, and brochures, and it was my favorite part of what I got to do, to flex my creative muscle. But it was not what they hired me to do. They hired me to be an assistant. I explained all of this to him, and he exclaimed, "Well there's your answer. That's not you. You come alive in showing up for others, getting to know people, caring for them, fighting for their hearts."

I went to work confident for the first time that it was time to end my stay at my current job. I talked with my bosses, shared my heart, and they were very understanding and very kind to my situation. They realized that the job wasn't for everyone, and it wasn't for me. We agreed to part ways on the basis I would work half days for two weeks while I tied up loose ends and looked for a new job. I realized during my last full day at my current job how much I truly missed being in WyldLife. I LOVED my time there, especially during my later days when I really came alive and got to care for the kids and my team mates and really make a difference. I loved that.

Sup CAP

In perfect timing, I had been invited to a WyldLife meeting for the ministry in my area in Houston that same evening. We got together and prayed and shared our hearts for the ministry and I could feel in my heart this is what I longed for. I had missed this so much. If you've seen the Captain America movie, you'll understand this reference. If you haven't, then bear with me... After Steve Rogers takes the super soldier serum and gains his super strength and powers, he's forced to work for the US government selling bonds to the American public. While the rest of the war raged on in Europe, he was stuck selling bonds. He was not living. He wasn't out fighting for what he cared for. He was in a cage. I felt the same exact way. God really showed me who I am in my time at Texas A&M, especially in WyldLife. He showed me my strengths and how much I love offering that strength to others to their benefit. I had completely lost sight of that moving to Houston. I had settled for "selling bonds" and avoided the front lines, where I truly belong. I'm a superhero nerd, a junkie if you will... but it's only because it speaks to me so deeply on so many levels. It's who God made me to be. Even though at this point in my life I stumble frequently along that path, it's what I want to do. I want to make other peoples lives better. I want them to meet the Jesus I have met. I want their lives to be changed because Jesus has absolutely, completely, radically changed mine. Like crazy style. I want others to have that, whether that be my friends, my family, kids I meet in WyldLife, or some random person I meet biking in Houston. I'm not always the best at it, but I don't care. God is the best at it. And He's invited me to be a part of that, and I'm incredibly thankful for that.

I share all of this because I want people to understand: God rescued me. He rescued me from what I didn't particularly enjoy, and He walked with me through the whole deal. And this is just the beginning. He offers Life, Life as it was truly meant to be lived, fulfilling and glorious and beautiful. He's blessed me with that, and I want to share that with others. Sometimes my desire doesn't actually reflect what happens in my day to day life because honestly in many ways I'm still just scared. But He's working through it anyway. And I know He'll bless the people I love through it whether I'm a part of it or not, because He's that good.

These are Vincas. They are Houston-heat hardy, and they will not die on my watch.

Moving forward, I just incredibly excited to be apart of WyldLife in the area. I even get to be a part of starting the ministry at a new school. How cool is that? I don't know exactly where I want to take my career path, but I'm satisfied in knowing for the moment that I'm going to follow my heart's desire and see where that takes me. If it is planting flowers and making wonderful places for people to enjoy and then enjoying people on the side, then that'd be awesome. If eventually I get to join Young Life staff and dedicate my life full time to fighting for the hearts of kids and others, then I'm cool with that too. Or if its something not involving either of those avenues, I know He'll lead me to a life where I can enjoy what I love to do. I'm just happy to know that God rescued me from my "bond selling", and He's invited me to the front lines. And more importantly, the prospect of adventure graces my horizons once more. The first time I set out on adventure from college, I had no idea what I wanted to do, no idea what direction to turn, so I took the first job that came to me. Now I know my heart a bit more, and I'm a bit more aware of where I want to go. I can set out on a path I'm sure will lead me to far greater joy than the path I had been set on before. I'm excited for life, and that is more than I can say in a long time. That is worth sharing. That is the Jesus I know. Even though it took a really long time for Him to bring me to this point and many times I did not care for Him along the way, He still brought me to a place where I can rejoice in His faithfulness. I get to live in adventure again, and I'm excited for that. Also, I bought more flowers for my house since my last ones died from the blasted Houston heat. Suck it Houston heat, these are going to survive.

A silver chair

I'm sitting outside on my iPhone with a shiner sitting in a silver fold out chair. Since I last wrote, my MacBook suffered the great flood (from my nalgene) and I've moved to Houston to begin life after college. I didn't really know what I was doing moving forward with life, but I trusted God, followed open doors, and ended up here with a job in the great Houston, TX. 

Just to get right down in the meaty stuff, the transition from college life to the real world has been harrrrrrd. I've found the most difficulty in my new job I've suffered quite the learning curve. And like most learning curves that has meant making a LOT of mistakes. That has weighed heavily on my heart. I want so bad to do things well, to help others and contribute and make a difference. I've done little of that. It's not even for a lack of effort. I try my best at work and still make tons of mistakes. It's incredibly frustrating and difficult. At one point I figured, "maybe this job isn't for me. Maybe I made a mistake in following God here." I didn't want to run, but i almost felt like that was my best choice. I vented one day to an old friend, explaining my frustrations and my thoughts on the matter. He called me to a different perspective. He saw it as no mistake. He saw it as God's every intent to bring me to a place I'm incredibly uncomfortable in. I've always been terrified of failing, of letting others down, and he said this is God's way of taking me right down into it. Because He waits there for me, to love me, to set me free. My friend said, "take this chance to get to know the grace of God while failing. This is where he waits for you." I heard all that and tucked it in my back pocket. I thought, "ya whatever, ill just try harder." Then I went ahead and tried harder to do better. It still wasn't enough. I was trying to be more careful and pay more attention to detail, but I still made more mistakes than I was comfortable with. It would frustrate my coworkers, which in turn frustrated me even more because I was letting others down.  I grew furious with God, feeling like he led me to a difficult place and abandoned me. After quite a bit of time of sharing choice insults and disrespect (understatement) with God, I finally had a bit of a breakthrough today. I made a stupid mistake at work, deleting a whole file that should not have been deleted. I felt like an idiot. I asked my coworker for help and she exclaimed we'd have to get my boss's help on this one. Yet again I was going to have to own up to some idiot mistake I made. My coworker started to talk to my boss about it, taking responsibility for the deleted file. I walked over and made sure the boss knew it was my deal and that I'd take responsibility for it. That's not something I normally do. Growing up I'd always run from owning my mistakes. Even recently, like last week and more times than I'm proud last year, I'd avoid telling the truth to avoid being exposed as failing. I wasn't willing to go there. I would hope I could sweep it under the rug and spare myself the pain of letting others down. But today I knew I wasn't going to let my blame slide elsewhere. My coworker approached me later and exclaimed she appreciated my honesty. I thought nothing of it until much later in the day. I thought hmmm, maybe this is what's its like to appreciate the grace of God while failing. It was okay that I failed because God made something bigger come from it. He used it to grow me. To make me into a better man than I was before. I'm still afraid to mess up, especially afraid to mess up really bad in a place that really matters to me, like failing a close friend or a family member. And I've done my fair share of both in the past. But I know God is using this time, even though I'm making lots of mistakes. He is redeeming me, however painfully and slowly. And that'll be worth it. I'd rather deal with this now when I'm young and single than really screw up when I'm in a relationship or married with kids and really feel like a piece of crap for letting them down. I don't want to shut down if i let others down, and thats been my go to for far too long. It's not fun, but it'll be worth it. And one day God will find his place for me, where I can really offer the strength he's given me to others and really make a difference. That's his promise, to finish what he's started. He says it somewhere in the New Testament. I forget where. Shoulda spent more time on those memory verses. 

I share all of this with one hope really. I feel like many of us experience this kind of difficult stuff in life. Some are able to push through it and succeed anyway. I just haven't been able to. The fear of failing existed far before this job. I've always felt the burden of fear in letting the people that matter to me down, and it has owned me. I've just had the blessing of perspective from an older, wiser Christian to let God love me right where I'm at, in a difficult season of life. Others will run into the same brick wall. And that wall feels as hopeless and as frustrating as hell. I share because I've found hope, or confidence describes it better really, that Jesus will show up for me where i need him. Jesus offers himself to us when our well has run dry, when we can no longer go anywhere but helplessly try and scramble up the walls of our own insecurity and fears. He reaches down for a way out. Not an easy way, but a way out nonetheless. All we have to do is stick our hand up, and say, "Jesus, I could use that rescuing about now." He did say "the son of man has come to save that which was lost." Welp, I've felt pretty damn lost, and thankfully, He is a man of his word. He came back for me. 

I'm not sure when or how he's going to show up for me in the coming weeks and months, but I know when it's over he'll be one step closer on the road to painting his masterpiece. That'll be fun. He promises Life. I want to get in on that, whatever road it takes to get there. One day the prospect of failing won't be so terrifying. Ill have found Jesus in my failure again and again, and where He is, fear is not. That will be worth it. Confidence in Him, true confidence. To borrow from a man that enjoys a nice suit, that will be legendary. 

As is tradition (I am an aggie...). I won't post without a nice picture. So here is a story. This pretty little flower above is a birthday present my sweet, thoughtful little sister, Kaylin gave to me this year. The picture below is what the Houston heat did to it. 

Darn you Houston heat. Darn you.