Back in the struggle

I'm still rejoicing in what God has already done in my life, but I'm encountering something that is just slamming me in the gut. I'm attempting to study for my teacher certification course, and it's a lot freaking harder than I expected it to be. I figured it would be like what I learned in school, but it's not. It's all theoretical math. It's very abstract and I just don't get it very well. It's really hard for me to feel like I am absolutely incapable of doing something, which is kind of how I feel now...

I remember when I was a kid, back in like 7th grade, a particular story of similar struggle. I was doing math homework, and I just couldn't figure it out. I was so furiously frustrated, because I just didn't know how to do it. I wanted to, but I was so angry that I couldn't. I tried and tried and just couldn't get it. My dad even tried to help me with it, but I don't think I even wanted it. I wanted to be able to do it on my own. I eventually ripped my paper up and put it in the trash. It was a total rage quit. I think I remember getting it back out, taping it up, and turning in what I had finished so far. But I was obviously upset, and I never really resolved it.

It wasn't the first or last time I've encountered something I didn't have the capacity to conquer, and it certainly wasn't the first or last time I lost my temper because of it. I remember playing computer games as a 5 year old and pounding the keyboard in frustration at my loss. I remember rage quitting while playing soccer in the backyard with my dad because I couldn't score on him. Then there was the homework in 7th grade, and again I walked out of a math test in college because I couldn't figure it out. It was the only class I've ever made a D on... It's kind of funny looking back haha, but man I guess sometimes when you're in the moment and really upset, you just can't take it anymore and walking out works.

It is part of my story, a continual theme: I come across something I can't do and just flounder. I usually avoid those places because it just makes me angry, but I'm going to walk through this one differently. I'm going to invite Jesus here. It's a hard place, and it matters to me. I can't do this, and it's incredibly frustrating. So instead of rage quitting or avoiding it, I'll hang out with Jesus here and let Him do His thing. I'm confident He'll show up for me here.

Also, I'm just now seeing that Revenge of the Sith is on TV. Suuuuup.

Little by little...

One of my favorite quotes (of many) from JRR Tolkien is this: "Little by little, one travels far." I've been a real Christian for about 4 1/2 years now, and I feel I've finally traveled a good bit. Given that it's Thanksgiving and that I'm better at taking things for granted than actually being thankful, I wanted to take this post to be thankful for how far I have traveled. 

Here's a story... About a year and a half ago I became a team leader of Jane Long WyldLife. The first day I sat down to plan for the year with my partner, I freaked out so much that I had to stop the meeting and ask her if I could just go bake some cookies and clear my head. Yes I went and baked cookies to relieve stress, and yes they were pretty good. I was so terrified and so convinced I was going to screw everything up, that I was going to fail miserably as the leader of the team that I felt sick to my stomach. It was kind of ridiculous looking back, because I clearly loved that team and its mission and didn't do a bad job. Nonetheless, I was terrified. Thankfully God had already been at work. I just had no self confidence, like none. I didn't know how to get it, and I never really had it in the first place. I used to always tell my old friend Mr. Jon O that I have never felt good enough for anything. I would always try to be more than I was, someone I wasn't, and I would fail and wallow in shame. He would tell me, "what about being yourself? What if God just wants you to be yourself?" It seemed simple enough. Being yourself should be the simplest thing in the world right? Wrong. First of all, I didn't really know who I was. Second of all, I was so convinced from my life up to that point that being myself was the source of most if not all of my problems. Those were two things I could not rectify on my own. I needed a Shepherd. I needed to be told who I was. I needed to recognize that so much of what I believed about the world was a lie, and that the truth was as wonderful as could be. That process began much before I became a team leader, but that definitely pushed it into overdrive. It was tough. I would struggle and struggle and believe everything was my fault and that nothing could be done and that I could never be good enough, and it went on and on. Slowly, painfully, God walked with me through it. I just had to choose him. 

These were some of my greatest sources of inspiration along the way:

"17 and the book of the prophet Isaiah was handed to Him, and he opened the book and found the place where it was written, 

18 'The Spirit of The Lord is upon me, because He anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor. He sent me to proclaim release to the captives, and recovery of sight to the blind, to set free those who are oppressed. 

19 to proclaim the favorable year of The Lord."

Luke 4:17-19

I felt blind. I felt like a captive to my own self doubt and lack of confidence. I felt oppressed. This was the promise that gave me the ability to choose something besides despair (even though I unfortunately frequented despair often). It gave me something to hope in.

There were these too:

The thief has come to steal and kill and destroy, but I come that they may have life and have it to the full.

John 10:10

Life to the full? I wanted in on that!

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. 

Matthew 5:6

I never understood the beautitudes until I realized that you don't really come to meet Jesus and encounter the riches of his grace until you really, really struggle.

For I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of The Lord in the land of the living. 

Psalm 27:13

I lost hope many, many times on the journey. I would shut down. I hated it. Sometimes it hurt the people I loved, and I'm sorry for that. But this verse was one of the few that kept me goin when I fell into those pits of despair.

On the last and greatest day of the feast, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him. 

John 7:37-38

Mr. Jon O always said being loved by Jesus was the simplest thing in the world. All you had to do was ask. Want a drink? Just ask for it. You don't have to know how it works. You don't have to do anything but choose Jesus, and it changes your life. Its slow and painful, but it works. 

For a righteous man falls seven times and rises again.

Proverbs 24:16

This one may have been one of the most important. I can't say how many times I fell along the way, but this gave me the motivation to pick myself up. 

http://youtu.be/AlyYBtASteQ

Samwise knows what's up. 

http://youtu.be/maARmxjj3f0

So does the Lion King

http://youtu.be/Wes8IR-yGrU

And Aunt May.

Like I said earlier, a year and a half ago I could barely keep my food down at the thought of doing ministry. Now I work full time (technically part time, but whatevs) at the same school I do WyldLife at. Where I used to be scared to go to lunches, I now spend all day + a few hours on some days to get to know kids and find them in their own heart breaking stories. I'm getting to be creative in reaching kids and helping them learn (HULK SMASHES MATH). I get to extend grace to kids whose hearts are so cold and broken they have forgotten what hope feels like. I get to be with them all day, like a part of their family. I get to offer myself and my strengths more than I've ever felt comfortable doing in my life. In the past, I would fail or hurt someone, and it would crush me. I wouldn't live up to my expectations and I would hate myself. I wouldn't be who I thought I had to be and my world would end. But not anymore. God showed me it was just a lie, because if you mess up then you're just learning. If you stick with something long enough, you'll figure it out. I know I still have much, much more room to grow, but I am far removed from where I was. And that's great reason for me to give thanks. It's a long journey in life, and sometimes you just have to stop, look around, and see how high you've climbed, soak in the view around you and remember what you've gotten through so far.

The best part is, I'm not that much different than who I have always been. Instead of changing, it's like I became more of myself. It's pretty fun really, to have real confidence. So even though I still have many broken places, many places where I'm not the most confident, I'm going to take time to be thankful for how freaking huge God has been in my life the past few years. Burdens lifted and freedom granted have been his business with me. I don't anticipate the struggle is over, but at least now I've seen God show up enough to know he'll pull me through the next thing. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hard work

The Job:

About four weeks ago I made the decision to quit my job. It felt like a huge leap of faith, and it was. Cataloging the vast array of emotions, thoughts, and "what if's" I've had since then would be exhausting, so to sum it up: I've been humbled. I suppose its common to leave college with hopes, dreams, and aspirations to really make a difference in the world. You're ready for adventures, full of life and wonder. Then you undertake an adventure of your own, and you realize very quickly that the story you've stumbled into isn't as easy as you had imagined. In fact, it's actually quite difficult. You have to work hard. You have to struggle. You have to get your hands dirty and do some serious work before reaching the part of the adventure that everyone wants to be a part of.

Where I work.

I still agree with myself about God wanting us to have a job that we love and find meaningful or for that matter a life that we love and find meaningful, but I didn't take into consideration that I may have to put in some real work to get there. I started work a week ago at a horse barn in Houston. My first day was filled with hanging out with kids and horses, and I was loving it. I got to come alongside the kids and teach them and encourage them, and it was great. But then I was assigned more and more to cleaning the stalls (cleaning lots of horse poop and urine), watering the horses, and helping out with other barn chores. I became a little bored and started pulling out my phone a bit while working to play music and distract myself by texting friends. I was quickly reprimanded to pick up the pace and to put away my phone, and I deserved it. Even after that I've been dragging my feet a bit. A big part of my pride was just bitter that I had to shovel poop, as if I deserved something better. I called an old friend to talk it over, and I was offered some very humbling and very solid advice. I was complaining about having to shovel poop and wanting to work more with kids and make a difference and blah blah. He called me to a different perspective. In God's economy, Jesus says things like this:

33 They came to Capernaum; and when He was in the house, He began to question them, "What were you discussing on the way?" 34 But they kept silent, for on the way they had discussed with one another which of them was the greatest. 35 Sitting down, He called the twelve and said to them, "If anyone wants to be first, he shall be last and servant of all."
Mark 9: 33-35

The greatest among you will be your servant. For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.
Matthew 23:11-12

For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.
Matthew 16:25

What completely counter-cultural advise to live by. I suppose it kind of makes sense though. If you're willing to do the job no one else wants to do and do it well, then it really shows that you're willing to do a good job anytime. If you look at the greats like Joseph and David, they were all pretty lowly earlier on in their stories. Joseph was in jail 10+ years before Pharoah discovered "the Lord was with Joseph" and put him in charge of everything. He didn't have much of a choice after being thrown in jail out of a false accusation, but God used him nonetheless. David was a shepherd for years before becoming the greatest king of Israel. I haven't really figured it all out yet, but I'll go with this advice. I'll shovel some poop and surrender my life to Jesus. I'll do some dirty work and trust that He's leading me in the right direction.

Where I work.

It's kind of a recent dream of mine to connect inner city kids, who I've had much experience with in WyldLife, to the great outdoors. I grew up running around in the woods, setting things on fire (sometimes with abysmal results), fighting trees with "swords" I'd grab from their branches, and making massive forts out of mud and dirt. Kids spend so much time now just sitting around. If there's anything I learned from doing WyldLife, there are a lot of kids out there who are just flat out bored. That's why they love to hang out so much. If they're at home then they're probably just watching SpongeBob. I won't knock SpongeBob because I love it, but I just can't help but think how great it would be if there was a place city kids could go, like once a week or so, where they could learn to shoot a bow and arrow, or go kayak, or go ride a horse. At this point, I don't think many of them would even want to do that kind of stuff because they're so darn lazy. But if schools could connect with a place like that and take kids out there for a day, I think it could really make a difference. It's all just thoughts running around in my head for now, but who knows, maybe shoveling poop now will open doors for later.

The Living Situation:

On another note, I've moved into a new apartment with a new roommate. It has a wall full of mirrors in the living room, which is awesome. It was a tough decision to move, but it had to be done. As my job situation changed, the cost of living I was able to afford did as well. What I'll miss most about my old place is the friends I made in my neighbors, but we'll be in touch. You don't hang out with people on a front porch for hours and hours and not hang out again in the future, especially when they're awesome. Also, God totally provided for the whole process of moving into a new place I could afford. Finding a roommate looking to move in at the same time, finding someone to sublease my old apartment at the right time, and finding a new place all happened just perfectly. Thanks be to God for that one.

HoggWyld:

Having the opportunity to volunteer for HoggWyld (Hogg Middle School WyldLife) has been a blast. Last week our club was just a huge list of things every group of kids had to complete and post on Instagram before everyone else in order to win. There were human pyramids, spirit posters, selfies in a mirror, among other things. They were all over it. Tomorrow I have the opportunity to give the talk. Last week we talked about how we all have our "jams", places we are in life that are just really, really hard. I'm going to share about one of my favorite stories of how Jesus showed up BIG time for his friends in a "jam", that being the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead (John 11). I'm a little nervous, but it'll be great.

Mirror selfie.

Other thoughts:

Side note: my Vincas are pwning the Houston Heat

If you know me well, you'll know that I haven't always thought very highly of myself. I walked through life a good 18 years before really walking with Jesus, and I spent most of my time assuming everything wrong with the world was my fault. I figured people treated me the way they did because I sucked. I had no perspective of myself, and it made me miserable. I'd always try to be someone I wasn't. I doubted myself. I was always afraid. I'd try to talk to pretty girls and say really stupid things. I never really knew who I was. I just assumed who I was based off what happened around me, and when you do that, you get a really bad image of who you are. I suppose the underlying story to all that's going on is that God's trying to show me that I'm not really half as much of the piece of crap I always thought I was. Even typing that I feel like I should explain all of the reasons I do suck, but I suppose that's a bit harsh. I would never tell a WyldLife kid or a friend or my little sisters reasons why they suck. Instead I would see any flaw as insignificant in light of how absolutely amazing of a person they are. You see a kid learning to walk, and you don't beat them down because they don't walk right away. You cheer them on because they're making the first steps in their life. I've been told God sees us in that way, as a parent watching his child learn to crawl, walk, run, and then go to the Olympics and win gold medals. He's proud every step of the way, because He can sees our heart, not our failures. And it helps to extend kindness to myself in that way, but I think God knows me well enough to know that I'll never truly believe something unless I go out and experience it. I'm a hands on learner. I hear things or read things and they help with the process, but I truly learn when I actually go out and do it, making mistakes and learning from them. So He's taking me on this grand adventure where I'm pretty poor and have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going in life and showing me what He sees in me. It is not fun to think you are a piece of crap. So above all else, thanks be to God for Him taking me on an adventure to show me who I am.

Changing of the guard

These are orchids cuz they're awesome.

Today I quit my job. I was honestly kind of miserable doing what I did, depressed even. I wasn't willing to admit it, because I know there is worth to sticking something out, despite it being hard. I would've stayed and ducked my head and done whatever I could even though I didn't necessarily enjoy it. God knew this. So He helped me.

My bosses noticed something was up with me. Last Thursday they called me into their office to talk about where I was at with the job. It gave me the opportunity to be honest, so I took it. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do yet, but I knew that I wasn't enjoying the job. I loved my coworkers, and my bosses were so kind to me. Needless to say it was a hard to decipher how I really felt. They welcomed me into the company with open arms, even buying me a nice birthday cake on my birthday. But I knew in my heart, I was not enjoying what I was spending a greater portion of my day doing. They gave me the weekend to consider whether or not it was a job I really wanted to pursue long term. The first half of the weekend I was just pissed at God because I didn't know what to do. I felt like he had abandoned me, and I felt very alone. Saturday I went to clear my mind and buy flowers for my house. I like flowers. I ended up thoroughly enjoying my visit to one of the greater nurseries in the Houston area, a bike ride away from my house at that. I chatted with a cashier, who was working there to gain some experience from very knowledgeable people in the trade before pursuing a career elsewhere. I left and thought little of it.

Later I went to the public library to check out the comics selection (which is AWESOME). I left after enjoying a few Spidey comics I hadn't read and went out to my car. Often I've struggled with the whole "God will provide" but "you still have to do go out there and do stuff" ordeal. Then I saw some birds foraging through some leaves for food. I paused and remembered some verses in Matthew:

25“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]? 

I thought "hmm... God was providing for them, He watched over them, made sure they were cared for, yet they were still out there getting their food. They still had to go out and get it." So I thought, "maybe if my heart's desire is for a change of scenery, maybe I outta go out and get it." So I went back to that nursery. I took a Park Planning Design class in college. It harped heavily on the importance of creating spaces people enjoy, making it comfortable, beautiful, and peaceful. We had a project where we went out to a plot of land recently purchased by the city, and we designed our own park out of the land. I loved the opportunity for creativity, to make something beautiful out of something that was rough, untended land. I remembered how much I loved that, so I went back to that nursery and talked with two of the employees. I ended up having a great conversation with them. They were my age and spoke highly of how great of a place it is to work, gain knowledge of the trade, and potentially pursue greater interests in the future. I picked up an application, not knowing what I'd do with it, and went back home. I spent most of the rest of my weekend severely contemplating my future, really evaluating what it is I love and what it is I love to do. I discovered much of what I had already come to realize in the past but had discounted because it didn't seem plausible. I loved the prospect of creating a space people enjoyed gathering in, a place people could connect and relax and be at peace with one another as they shared the stories of their day. I tucked that in my back pocket and went to sleep Sunday night and decided I'd make a decision in the morning on my future with my current job.

I called an old friend for advice upon waking up. I told him my situation and told him what I do at my current job which in a nutshell is "taking orders from others." I take reservations, answer the phones, and stare at a computer screen editing word and excel documents. There were occasions where they asked me to create web pages, flyers, and brochures, and it was my favorite part of what I got to do, to flex my creative muscle. But it was not what they hired me to do. They hired me to be an assistant. I explained all of this to him, and he exclaimed, "Well there's your answer. That's not you. You come alive in showing up for others, getting to know people, caring for them, fighting for their hearts."

I went to work confident for the first time that it was time to end my stay at my current job. I talked with my bosses, shared my heart, and they were very understanding and very kind to my situation. They realized that the job wasn't for everyone, and it wasn't for me. We agreed to part ways on the basis I would work half days for two weeks while I tied up loose ends and looked for a new job. I realized during my last full day at my current job how much I truly missed being in WyldLife. I LOVED my time there, especially during my later days when I really came alive and got to care for the kids and my team mates and really make a difference. I loved that.

Sup CAP

In perfect timing, I had been invited to a WyldLife meeting for the ministry in my area in Houston that same evening. We got together and prayed and shared our hearts for the ministry and I could feel in my heart this is what I longed for. I had missed this so much. If you've seen the Captain America movie, you'll understand this reference. If you haven't, then bear with me... After Steve Rogers takes the super soldier serum and gains his super strength and powers, he's forced to work for the US government selling bonds to the American public. While the rest of the war raged on in Europe, he was stuck selling bonds. He was not living. He wasn't out fighting for what he cared for. He was in a cage. I felt the same exact way. God really showed me who I am in my time at Texas A&M, especially in WyldLife. He showed me my strengths and how much I love offering that strength to others to their benefit. I had completely lost sight of that moving to Houston. I had settled for "selling bonds" and avoided the front lines, where I truly belong. I'm a superhero nerd, a junkie if you will... but it's only because it speaks to me so deeply on so many levels. It's who God made me to be. Even though at this point in my life I stumble frequently along that path, it's what I want to do. I want to make other peoples lives better. I want them to meet the Jesus I have met. I want their lives to be changed because Jesus has absolutely, completely, radically changed mine. Like crazy style. I want others to have that, whether that be my friends, my family, kids I meet in WyldLife, or some random person I meet biking in Houston. I'm not always the best at it, but I don't care. God is the best at it. And He's invited me to be a part of that, and I'm incredibly thankful for that.

I share all of this because I want people to understand: God rescued me. He rescued me from what I didn't particularly enjoy, and He walked with me through the whole deal. And this is just the beginning. He offers Life, Life as it was truly meant to be lived, fulfilling and glorious and beautiful. He's blessed me with that, and I want to share that with others. Sometimes my desire doesn't actually reflect what happens in my day to day life because honestly in many ways I'm still just scared. But He's working through it anyway. And I know He'll bless the people I love through it whether I'm a part of it or not, because He's that good.

These are Vincas. They are Houston-heat hardy, and they will not die on my watch.

Moving forward, I just incredibly excited to be apart of WyldLife in the area. I even get to be a part of starting the ministry at a new school. How cool is that? I don't know exactly where I want to take my career path, but I'm satisfied in knowing for the moment that I'm going to follow my heart's desire and see where that takes me. If it is planting flowers and making wonderful places for people to enjoy and then enjoying people on the side, then that'd be awesome. If eventually I get to join Young Life staff and dedicate my life full time to fighting for the hearts of kids and others, then I'm cool with that too. Or if its something not involving either of those avenues, I know He'll lead me to a life where I can enjoy what I love to do. I'm just happy to know that God rescued me from my "bond selling", and He's invited me to the front lines. And more importantly, the prospect of adventure graces my horizons once more. The first time I set out on adventure from college, I had no idea what I wanted to do, no idea what direction to turn, so I took the first job that came to me. Now I know my heart a bit more, and I'm a bit more aware of where I want to go. I can set out on a path I'm sure will lead me to far greater joy than the path I had been set on before. I'm excited for life, and that is more than I can say in a long time. That is worth sharing. That is the Jesus I know. Even though it took a really long time for Him to bring me to this point and many times I did not care for Him along the way, He still brought me to a place where I can rejoice in His faithfulness. I get to live in adventure again, and I'm excited for that. Also, I bought more flowers for my house since my last ones died from the blasted Houston heat. Suck it Houston heat, these are going to survive.

A silver chair

I'm sitting outside on my iPhone with a shiner sitting in a silver fold out chair. Since I last wrote, my MacBook suffered the great flood (from my nalgene) and I've moved to Houston to begin life after college. I didn't really know what I was doing moving forward with life, but I trusted God, followed open doors, and ended up here with a job in the great Houston, TX. 

Just to get right down in the meaty stuff, the transition from college life to the real world has been harrrrrrd. I've found the most difficulty in my new job I've suffered quite the learning curve. And like most learning curves that has meant making a LOT of mistakes. That has weighed heavily on my heart. I want so bad to do things well, to help others and contribute and make a difference. I've done little of that. It's not even for a lack of effort. I try my best at work and still make tons of mistakes. It's incredibly frustrating and difficult. At one point I figured, "maybe this job isn't for me. Maybe I made a mistake in following God here." I didn't want to run, but i almost felt like that was my best choice. I vented one day to an old friend, explaining my frustrations and my thoughts on the matter. He called me to a different perspective. He saw it as no mistake. He saw it as God's every intent to bring me to a place I'm incredibly uncomfortable in. I've always been terrified of failing, of letting others down, and he said this is God's way of taking me right down into it. Because He waits there for me, to love me, to set me free. My friend said, "take this chance to get to know the grace of God while failing. This is where he waits for you." I heard all that and tucked it in my back pocket. I thought, "ya whatever, ill just try harder." Then I went ahead and tried harder to do better. It still wasn't enough. I was trying to be more careful and pay more attention to detail, but I still made more mistakes than I was comfortable with. It would frustrate my coworkers, which in turn frustrated me even more because I was letting others down.  I grew furious with God, feeling like he led me to a difficult place and abandoned me. After quite a bit of time of sharing choice insults and disrespect (understatement) with God, I finally had a bit of a breakthrough today. I made a stupid mistake at work, deleting a whole file that should not have been deleted. I felt like an idiot. I asked my coworker for help and she exclaimed we'd have to get my boss's help on this one. Yet again I was going to have to own up to some idiot mistake I made. My coworker started to talk to my boss about it, taking responsibility for the deleted file. I walked over and made sure the boss knew it was my deal and that I'd take responsibility for it. That's not something I normally do. Growing up I'd always run from owning my mistakes. Even recently, like last week and more times than I'm proud last year, I'd avoid telling the truth to avoid being exposed as failing. I wasn't willing to go there. I would hope I could sweep it under the rug and spare myself the pain of letting others down. But today I knew I wasn't going to let my blame slide elsewhere. My coworker approached me later and exclaimed she appreciated my honesty. I thought nothing of it until much later in the day. I thought hmmm, maybe this is what's its like to appreciate the grace of God while failing. It was okay that I failed because God made something bigger come from it. He used it to grow me. To make me into a better man than I was before. I'm still afraid to mess up, especially afraid to mess up really bad in a place that really matters to me, like failing a close friend or a family member. And I've done my fair share of both in the past. But I know God is using this time, even though I'm making lots of mistakes. He is redeeming me, however painfully and slowly. And that'll be worth it. I'd rather deal with this now when I'm young and single than really screw up when I'm in a relationship or married with kids and really feel like a piece of crap for letting them down. I don't want to shut down if i let others down, and thats been my go to for far too long. It's not fun, but it'll be worth it. And one day God will find his place for me, where I can really offer the strength he's given me to others and really make a difference. That's his promise, to finish what he's started. He says it somewhere in the New Testament. I forget where. Shoulda spent more time on those memory verses. 

I share all of this with one hope really. I feel like many of us experience this kind of difficult stuff in life. Some are able to push through it and succeed anyway. I just haven't been able to. The fear of failing existed far before this job. I've always felt the burden of fear in letting the people that matter to me down, and it has owned me. I've just had the blessing of perspective from an older, wiser Christian to let God love me right where I'm at, in a difficult season of life. Others will run into the same brick wall. And that wall feels as hopeless and as frustrating as hell. I share because I've found hope, or confidence describes it better really, that Jesus will show up for me where i need him. Jesus offers himself to us when our well has run dry, when we can no longer go anywhere but helplessly try and scramble up the walls of our own insecurity and fears. He reaches down for a way out. Not an easy way, but a way out nonetheless. All we have to do is stick our hand up, and say, "Jesus, I could use that rescuing about now." He did say "the son of man has come to save that which was lost." Welp, I've felt pretty damn lost, and thankfully, He is a man of his word. He came back for me. 

I'm not sure when or how he's going to show up for me in the coming weeks and months, but I know when it's over he'll be one step closer on the road to painting his masterpiece. That'll be fun. He promises Life. I want to get in on that, whatever road it takes to get there. One day the prospect of failing won't be so terrifying. Ill have found Jesus in my failure again and again, and where He is, fear is not. That will be worth it. Confidence in Him, true confidence. To borrow from a man that enjoys a nice suit, that will be legendary. 

As is tradition (I am an aggie...). I won't post without a nice picture. So here is a story. This pretty little flower above is a birthday present my sweet, thoughtful little sister, Kaylin gave to me this year. The picture below is what the Houston heat did to it. 

Darn you Houston heat. Darn you.