I've always thought that the point of walking with God and growing and maturing was to get to a point to where I didn't need anyone else. I tend to hide when I feel weak, and ironically (is that irony? I don't remember) I think it makes me weaker.
12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12
Leave it to Bible to say something so obviously profound and use a metaphor with a rope.
This past week at school was brutal. Many of my students have no interest whatsoever in learning math or succeeding in school, and right now I'm still figuring out what to do about that. As I usually do when I'm struggling with something, I become extremely introverted and go sit in McDonald's to think about it all (which is where I am once again). This time though, I guess I'm finally realizing what I'm doing, and I don't think it's doing me any favors.
I don't think the greatest of stories are meant to be lived by yourself. In the Lord of the Rings, no one was alone. Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas were always together, even when Aragorn tried to go under the mountain to see the Army of the Dead by himself. His friends wouldn't let him go alone. Sam almost drowned to stay with Frodo and was with him until the end. Merry and Pippin were together until separated to be with other company. They didn't walk their path alone, and I don't think anyone else should either. With that in mind, I'm blogging because I love to write about things, and I'm also choosing to talk about what is going on with people instead of letting it get me down.
Anyway, here's the situation:
There are a few major reasons these kids don't want to learn:
Summer school: They know they can just go to summer school. There they can get free breakfast, lunch, and be spend time with their friends. There's nothing for them to do at home during the summer, so why not blow off class now and go where the party is?
They may be passed anyway: The district has a habit of passing kids who don't deserve to be passed. I don't know why that keeps happening, but it is not helping. Instead of helping kids learn how to use the Pythagorean Theorem, I end up spending time teaching them how to divide or teach them what a square root is. The kids have been passed on to us before they were ready to move on, and now it creates quite a mess. They need extra time from us that we can't always afford to give. It's like the district treats students like a car that's barely running. They'll use all of the duct tape and jerry rigs they can to get it working, but they'll never truly take it apart, give it a thorough examination, and give it a real reconstruction. They just keep piling on enough duct tape to get them through. And the kids know this, so they're reaction is, "why try?"
Home life: Many of their parents don't give a crap. In turn, they don't. I have many stories of kids caught up in the worst family situations. I won't share them here, but it's sad. Their lives are being destroyed by their parents.
I've tried to make them work by being a jerk, and I did not like that. I've never been a very stern person, and I don't know why I thought bullying them with consequences would make them want to learn. The kids who usually received detention continually came back for the same reasons. It never changed their heart or made them want to actually start paying attention. It seemed pointless to me, but I kept on because I didn't know what else to do. I guess I figured I needed to be really hard, really stern, and really cold to get things done, but that's just not who I am. It wasn't natural for me. I'm considering it in a different way now.
I've thought often of how similar my situation with my students is to how we relate to God. God doesn't control us. He doesn't force us to do anything. Even though He knows better and knows that we may die because of our choices, He allows us the will to chose. If you look at the Prodigal Son story, the father in the story doesn't reprimand the kid for being disrespectful or for choosing to run away and squander everything. He lets it happen. I don't think that is weakness. I think it is confidence. I think the father was confident that his son had to make his own choices and learn from them to really learn anything at all, and I think he was also confident that when the son had no where else to go, then he would choose to be with his father once more. I feel God does the same with us. Love can only exist out of choice. God wants real love, not controlled love.
It's not an exact parallel, but I suppose in the same way, there's nothing I can do to make these kids do anything. I can't truly control their heart. I can advise them, counsel them, guide them, lend them a hand, give them opportunity, give them a chance, give them an ear or a shoulder, but I can't make them want to learn. They have to want it.
This is my plan for now:
After school tutorials all day, erry day: The time I love the most is spent tutoring kids during lunch or after school. That's where I can really get into their head, really see how they learn, and really speak into their heart and mind. It also lets me get to know them and becomes a place where I'm much more approachable. There's no agenda, nothing to get done in class that has to be done, there's just a teacher and a student and the sacred exchange of wisdom and knowledge from one to another.
Calling parents: Myself and my teacher partner have been calling parents recently. For some kids, all we get is a disconnected number. For others, we talk with their parents and nothing changes. For others, there's an amazing difference in the kid's level of participation after you get their parent involved.
Give them a break: These kids didn't grow up like me. I make a lot of generalizations when I talk about them, and I know that. But those generalizations are often true. Many of them don't have safe neighborhoods. Many of them grow up around parents far different than mine. Many of them grow up with far less money than my family did. As far as nature vs. nurture is concerned, their nurture has been very poor. Some of them don't have English as a first language. Most of them are minorities. Not to say they don't have the ability to overcome it, but they have a bit steeper of a hill to climb. I'm quick to think, "How the heck do you not know how to long divide?" "Why are you whistling in class?" "Why are you cussing like that in the classroom?" "Why do you think it's okay to pop a girl's bra strap?" It goes on haha. Honestly though, as a good friend of mine has told me, that's just what they know.
I don't think this is a hopeless story. It's just one I haven't quite figured out yet. It's teaching me a lot about myself, and despite its difficulty, I still love this job. I just can't continue to try and do it alone.
I'll close with some pictures.
A band concert. Makes me miss the golden days.
Kick start belt ceremony
Some of my students putting on a show during lunch. So metal.
A few of my students putting on a concert after school. Awesome.
My little sister Kaylin started a blog. It's amazing. I didn't consider my heart and stuff that really mattered in life until I was in college the way she has begun to at her age. God has pursued her well, and it's just really encouraging to see. Also, sometimes I feel a little illiterate writing to her in light of her supreme prose, and I wrote papers for a grade at the greatest university in the Milky Way. Also, I said "supreme prose" to make myself sound smart. Anyway, the point is that she wrote in her blog recently and it inspired me to write in mine. Also, check hers out if you ain't got nothin' to do or if you have lots to do and need to not do those things.
Anyway. It's 2014. This year there are four awesome movies coming out: Captain America - The Winter Soldier, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Guardians of the Galaxy, and X-Men - Days of Future Past. Talk about getting krunk. Here are their trailers and you should watch them.
Captain America 2:
Amazing Spider-Man 2:
X-Men - Days of Future Past
Guardians of the Galaxy: Doesn't have one yet. Stay tuned fellow nerds.
Anyway, I post all of this stuff because I really love comics and super heroes and that they fight for what's good in the world. They inspire me, give me courage. When I read Spider-Man comics it's like I'm hanging out with one of my best friends. I'm going to read my kids Spider-Man stories for bed time one day, and they're going to like it. Ain't got time for Thomas the Tank Engine.
The most notable difference about 2014 for me is how comfortable I have become just being myself. I can't even describe how difficult that has been for a greater portion of my life. I am more free now more than I have ever been. I owe it all to Jesus. I would have needed some major psychological back tuning to truly get down into why I have always lacked confidence and had such a difficult time just relaxing and being myself, and Jesus did it all for free. And He did it perfectly, using current events in my life to reach back into my story and back into all of the moments that so callously defined me, stuff that I could not overcome on my own. He shepherded me, as He promised He would. He renewed my mind, set me free, broke the chains that bound me, came into the depths of my shame and despair and returned me to back to life. It's as epic as it sounds and actually probably more. Some will know my depravity greater than others, but take my word when I tell you that I was a very desperate and very lost soul. I want to share a few examples. And now that I've discovered that I can embed YouTube videos, I'll be sharing some awesome LOTR clips to compliment what I'm saying. Side note (caveat), The Lord of the Rings is LITERALLY the best. Now that that's out of the way...
Story # 1
I've always been really hard on myself for hurting others. When it happens, and it's inevitable in the world we live in, it was usually never intentional, usually never malicious, but nonetheless inescapable. Despite all efforts I have put forth in my life to avoid hurting others, I have always fallen short. That has especially been the case working as a teacher in a middle school. Eighth grade kids are messy. They're right in the middle of a very confusing period in their lives. They're awkward, full of hormones, and really just beginning to figure out life past puberty. Among other things, many of the kids I teach come from the some of the most broken homes imaginable. These kids have some major baggage. They are broken, needy, and very easily have their toes stepped on. It was as unavoidable as ever for me to escape hurting people while teaching them. It just happens. With 20-30 kids in a classroom, all with their own story, it is impossible to attend to every single one of them to the degree that they need it.
As you may imagine, that was very, very difficult for me. I knew it was an opportunity to meet God. I knew that somehow the shame and despair I felt was a place to meet Jesus. God had been bringing all of that to the surface for a very long time, but I guess I was finally ready for the redemption. Randomly, I thought of a moment from my childhood. I was at a pool party, probably in like 3rd grade, and I was throwing one of those little squishy water balls around with my friends. Somehow, I ended up nailing a girl in the face with that water ball. She ended up crying a lot and got out of the pool. I felt TERRIBLE. I wanted to apologize or do something to make it better, but I didn't have the courage to do it. I remember the car ride home afterwards. I remember how bad I felt about it. And that was it. That was the end of the story. I hurt someone and that was it. There was no redemption, no happy ending, no story of coming out stronger through struggle. My story in that moment ended terribly. It's like ever since that moment, I have attempted to avoid hurting people at all costs. Sure, in my head I know that Jesus is one for redemption, but in my heart the reality has always been as it was as a 3rd grader.
Last week, I was riding in my car, listening to movie scores, and a song came on from the Fellowship of the Ring called "The Bridge of Khazadum." It's the song in the movie where Gandalf fights the Balrog and falls beneath the mountain. This is the clip:
Here, Gandalf dies. He falls to the Balrog (the big fiery bad guy), and all hope is lost. There are fewer scenes as moving to me as this. The song combined with the complete despair painted on their faces at the loss of their leader just hits me right in the heart. I guess I figured from an early age that this was how all stories would end. In that moment, as I listened to that song, I knew that this is what I truly believed: that all stories end like this, with Gandalf falling to the Balrog, with all hope being lost. Despite how much I have spent my time trying to believe otherwise, even seeing stories redeemed before my eyes, I couldn't get around my own experience of life and what I came to believe from it.
And then I remembered what happens in the next movie. Gandalf returns. And not only does he return, he is stronger, wiser, and comes at "the turn of the tide." He's Gandalf the White. Not only was he brought back to life. He was brought back for the better. Here's the scene of his return.
It made me cry. You can't touch that! The WORST happened to the Fellowship. They lost Gandalf. They lost the wisest member of their company, their guide, their ace in the hole (or is it "ace up your sleeve"... idk...). It couldn't get much worse for their chances of saving Middle Earth. But he comes back, and he's stronger.
And then of course, there's the story of Jesus. The enemy throws at Jesus his most terrible weapon. He kills Jesus. There's nothing worse you can do. I guess suffering an immense amount of pain could seem worse than death, but the devil threw that at him too. Literally, I can't think of many things worse than being crucified. Jesus takes one of the worst possible experiences in this life, and uses it to conquer death and restore salvation for all of humanity for all eternity. He wtfpwned (this is nerd speak for he crushed his opponent) the devil and came back stronger. Jesus redeemed the worst of all stories. He came back to life and saved the entire human race in doing so. Can you imagine how the disciples must have felt when He died on that cross? I imagine I would have been just outrageously furious and then outrageously disappointed. It would be like the 7 stages of mourning times a million. I mean this guy promised everything would be okay, and then he goes and dies.
Anyway, realizing all of this when I did shifted the foundations of my heart. It's like I wasn't scared anymore. I wasn't so wound up and on my guard against hurting people, because I knew for the first time in my life, truly knew, that the story doesn't end there. The story doesn't end with Gandalf's or Jesus' death. It ends with the Resurrection. It ends with the most beautiful story that could ever be told. That is our reality with Jesus. That is what he offers us. I can't even tell you how much of a burden off of my shoulders that was to realize. Not only was it a burden lifted, it was hope restored, beauty promised, Life to the full as He promises in John 10:10. Even if I don't have it now I know that's the way the story ends. It's unbelievable what you can go through if you truly believe in your heart that all of your stories can end in redemption.
Story #2
As if that wasn't big enough for me, God goes and redeems another moment in my life. As I mentioned before, kids are messy in middle school, especially the kids I work with. They have a lot of ways of dealing with their pain, and one of them is to put others down. I am no exception. It can hurt, even coming from a middle schooler and being a "grown man." I have the authority to discipline them in the classroom. If a kid starts making fun of me or anyone else in the classroom, I'm going to give him a detention. If it keeps on, their parents will be called. That's just not acceptable. But for the kids who I hang out with outside of school, through WyldLife or just as an "older brother" figure, I don't really have that authority. I can tell them that I don't appreciate it. I can tell them that I'm going to stop giving them rides, that I don't have to hang out with them if they're going to treat me poorly, and that actually helps a lot.
I shouldn't have to stand for that. No one should have to stand for that. But I have only just recently entered into that state of mind. For all of my life I have just taken it right in the face. Very rarely have I told people how I have felt when they were hurting me, whether that was friends, family, or WyldLife kids. I guess I just never considered it an option.
Going through that with the kids, a few in particular who were really getting their buttons pushed by me and in turn pushing back very hard, made me face that once and for all. We were both hurting, and even if I could make the kids stop, we were both still hurting. I knew it was another chance to meet God. And sure enough, He showed up for me.
I remembered another moment from like 3rd or 4th grade. I was hanging out with the kids in my neighborhood, and they were mean. I had some weird nose twitch going on at that time. I don't really know why I had it or even what it was exactly, but I remember they were ruthless in making fun of me for it. I didn't even do anything to provoke it. These kids just loved laughing at the expense of others, often my own. I remember sitting inside as they were leaving, each one of them poking their heads back into the window of my door to get their parting shots of mimicking my twitch and laughing all the while. I was terribly alone. I didn't tell anyone, and no one was around at the time. No one stuck up for me, and thinking back to that moment I realized that right then and there, I accepted the fact that no one would ever stick up for me. It's no wonder I have had such a hard time sticking up for myself. At 7 years old I formed a belief about life, all by myself, without ever knowing God was even in the picture, that no one would ever stick up for me.
As soon as God shepherded me back into that moment, showed me the lies I had accepted, I was finally able to reject it. I was finally able to realize that it's okay that I hadn't been sticking up for myself. God has, and He will every time. He's always for me, and He'll always love me. He's got no problem reprimanding me or bringing me back in line, but even that is because He's calling me to Himself and loves me. God always elevates those who He loves. If you're with Him, you never have to elevate yourself.
Finding myself loved also gives me all the opportunity to extend it back to the kids. Free from my own personal grievances, I realize more than likely these kids are being mean because they are hurting. There's a story behind everything, and I know that at least to a much greater degree, I'm free to listen to their stories, understand their pain, know their heart behind the matter. There may be consequences for their actions, but now it's much more than that. It's a chance to get to know them, and I think that is worth a great deal.
The grace has been like a waterfall recently, and it keeps coming. I could write more stories, but I don't know if Blogger can hold that many words. I was supposed to study tonight, but I ended up doing this instead. Oh well. This is more enjoyable. Never before have I been able to share myself with others as I can now. And I know when I share myself I'm sharing God, for I know He's with me. I know that the work He's doing is for His glory. It's like a mutually beneficial relationship from freshman Biology. We benefit by having our lives changed, and He benefits by flexing his muscles and showing His glory to all. He gets to say, "Do you remember that poor, pathetic fool from a few years back? See what I've done with him? That's my boy. Look at him now." Idk if I'm really to that point yet. I know I still have some time to spend with God, and honestly I don't really know if I want that kind of attention any way. It's actually really scary to boast like that. I don't think I ever would boast like that of my own accord because honestly I know myself well enough to know I would go hit a curb and pop a tire or something. But I think I'm beginning to see in many ways how reliable it is to boast in God. He's got bigger muscles than I do. He's the big guy. He's the awesome one. He's the author of the great story. He's the one who loves beyond all comprehension and is faithful as the rising sun. He's the tide the breaks us down and the rain that remakes us. That makes me feel a bit better. He's the awesome one, not me. He's just chosen to be really awesome to me, and I don't doubt He would to anyone else if they asked Him to be.
Aight. Time to go home. This McDonald's I chose to post up in is cold.
