http://thelittleturtle17.blogspot.com/
Anyway. It's 2014. This year there are four awesome movies coming out: Captain America - The Winter Soldier, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Guardians of the Galaxy, and X-Men - Days of Future Past. Talk about getting krunk. Here are their trailers and you should watch them.
Captain America 2:
Amazing Spider-Man 2:
X-Men - Days of Future Past
Guardians of the Galaxy: Doesn't have one yet. Stay tuned fellow nerds.
Anyway, I post all of this stuff because I really love comics and super heroes and that they fight for what's good in the world. They inspire me, give me courage. When I read Spider-Man comics it's like I'm hanging out with one of my best friends. I'm going to read my kids Spider-Man stories for bed time one day, and they're going to like it. Ain't got time for Thomas the Tank Engine.
The most notable difference about 2014 for me is how comfortable I have become just being myself. I can't even describe how difficult that has been for a greater portion of my life. I am more free now more than I have ever been. I owe it all to Jesus. I would have needed some major psychological back tuning to truly get down into why I have always lacked confidence and had such a difficult time just relaxing and being myself, and Jesus did it all for free. And He did it perfectly, using current events in my life to reach back into my story and back into all of the moments that so callously defined me, stuff that I could not overcome on my own. He shepherded me, as He promised He would. He renewed my mind, set me free, broke the chains that bound me, came into the depths of my shame and despair and returned me to back to life. It's as epic as it sounds and actually probably more. Some will know my depravity greater than others, but take my word when I tell you that I was a very desperate and very lost soul. I want to share a few examples. And now that I've discovered that I can embed YouTube videos, I'll be sharing some awesome LOTR clips to compliment what I'm saying. Side note (caveat), The Lord of the Rings is LITERALLY the best. Now that that's out of the way...
Story # 1
I've always been really hard on myself for hurting others. When it happens, and it's inevitable in the world we live in, it was usually never intentional, usually never malicious, but nonetheless inescapable. Despite all efforts I have put forth in my life to avoid hurting others, I have always fallen short. That has especially been the case working as a teacher in a middle school. Eighth grade kids are messy. They're right in the middle of a very confusing period in their lives. They're awkward, full of hormones, and really just beginning to figure out life past puberty. Among other things, many of the kids I teach come from the some of the most broken homes imaginable. These kids have some major baggage. They are broken, needy, and very easily have their toes stepped on. It was as unavoidable as ever for me to escape hurting people while teaching them. It just happens. With 20-30 kids in a classroom, all with their own story, it is impossible to attend to every single one of them to the degree that they need it.
As you may imagine, that was very, very difficult for me. I knew it was an opportunity to meet God. I knew that somehow the shame and despair I felt was a place to meet Jesus. God had been bringing all of that to the surface for a very long time, but I guess I was finally ready for the redemption. Randomly, I thought of a moment from my childhood. I was at a pool party, probably in like 3rd grade, and I was throwing one of those little squishy water balls around with my friends. Somehow, I ended up nailing a girl in the face with that water ball. She ended up crying a lot and got out of the pool. I felt TERRIBLE. I wanted to apologize or do something to make it better, but I didn't have the courage to do it. I remember the car ride home afterwards. I remember how bad I felt about it. And that was it. That was the end of the story. I hurt someone and that was it. There was no redemption, no happy ending, no story of coming out stronger through struggle. My story in that moment ended terribly. It's like ever since that moment, I have attempted to avoid hurting people at all costs. Sure, in my head I know that Jesus is one for redemption, but in my heart the reality has always been as it was as a 3rd grader.
Last week, I was riding in my car, listening to movie scores, and a song came on from the Fellowship of the Ring called "The Bridge of Khazadum." It's the song in the movie where Gandalf fights the Balrog and falls beneath the mountain. This is the clip:
Here, Gandalf dies. He falls to the Balrog (the big fiery bad guy), and all hope is lost. There are fewer scenes as moving to me as this. The song combined with the complete despair painted on their faces at the loss of their leader just hits me right in the heart. I guess I figured from an early age that this was how all stories would end. In that moment, as I listened to that song, I knew that this is what I truly believed: that all stories end like this, with Gandalf falling to the Balrog, with all hope being lost. Despite how much I have spent my time trying to believe otherwise, even seeing stories redeemed before my eyes, I couldn't get around my own experience of life and what I came to believe from it.
And then I remembered what happens in the next movie. Gandalf returns. And not only does he return, he is stronger, wiser, and comes at "the turn of the tide." He's Gandalf the White. Not only was he brought back to life. He was brought back for the better. Here's the scene of his return.
It made me cry. You can't touch that! The WORST happened to the Fellowship. They lost Gandalf. They lost the wisest member of their company, their guide, their ace in the hole (or is it "ace up your sleeve"... idk...). It couldn't get much worse for their chances of saving Middle Earth. But he comes back, and he's stronger.
The grace has been like a waterfall recently, and it keeps coming. I could write more stories, but I don't know if Blogger can hold that many words. I was supposed to study tonight, but I ended up doing this instead. Oh well. This is more enjoyable. Never before have I been able to share myself with others as I can now. And I know when I share myself I'm sharing God, for I know He's with me. I know that the work He's doing is for His glory. It's like a mutually beneficial relationship from freshman Biology. We benefit by having our lives changed, and He benefits by flexing his muscles and showing His glory to all. He gets to say, "Do you remember that poor, pathetic fool from a few years back? See what I've done with him? That's my boy. Look at him now." Idk if I'm really to that point yet. I know I still have some time to spend with God, and honestly I don't really know if I want that kind of attention any way. It's actually really scary to boast like that. I don't think I ever would boast like that of my own accord because honestly I know myself well enough to know I would go hit a curb and pop a tire or something. But I think I'm beginning to see in many ways how reliable it is to boast in God. He's got bigger muscles than I do. He's the big guy. He's the awesome one. He's the author of the great story. He's the one who loves beyond all comprehension and is faithful as the rising sun. He's the tide the breaks us down and the rain that remakes us. That makes me feel a bit better. He's the awesome one, not me. He's just chosen to be really awesome to me, and I don't doubt He would to anyone else if they asked Him to be.
Aight. Time to go home. This McDonald's I chose to post up in is cold.
-Calv out
Here, Gandalf dies. He falls to the Balrog (the big fiery bad guy), and all hope is lost. There are fewer scenes as moving to me as this. The song combined with the complete despair painted on their faces at the loss of their leader just hits me right in the heart. I guess I figured from an early age that this was how all stories would end. In that moment, as I listened to that song, I knew that this is what I truly believed: that all stories end like this, with Gandalf falling to the Balrog, with all hope being lost. Despite how much I have spent my time trying to believe otherwise, even seeing stories redeemed before my eyes, I couldn't get around my own experience of life and what I came to believe from it.
And then I remembered what happens in the next movie. Gandalf returns. And not only does he return, he is stronger, wiser, and comes at "the turn of the tide." He's Gandalf the White. Not only was he brought back to life. He was brought back for the better. Here's the scene of his return.
It made me cry. You can't touch that! The WORST happened to the Fellowship. They lost Gandalf. They lost the wisest member of their company, their guide, their ace in the hole (or is it "ace up your sleeve"... idk...). It couldn't get much worse for their chances of saving Middle Earth. But he comes back, and he's stronger.
And then of course, there's the story of Jesus. The enemy throws at Jesus his most terrible weapon. He kills Jesus. There's nothing worse you can do. I guess suffering an immense amount of pain could seem worse than death, but the devil threw that at him too. Literally, I can't think of many things worse than being crucified. Jesus takes one of the worst possible experiences in this life, and uses it to conquer death and restore salvation for all of humanity for all eternity. He wtfpwned (this is nerd speak for he crushed his opponent) the devil and came back stronger. Jesus redeemed the worst of all stories. He came back to life and saved the entire human race in doing so. Can you imagine how the disciples must have felt when He died on that cross? I imagine I would have been just outrageously furious and then outrageously disappointed. It would be like the 7 stages of mourning times a million. I mean this guy promised everything would be okay, and then he goes and dies.
Anyway, realizing all of this when I did shifted the foundations of my heart. It's like I wasn't scared anymore. I wasn't so wound up and on my guard against hurting people, because I knew for the first time in my life, truly knew, that the story doesn't end there. The story doesn't end with Gandalf's or Jesus' death. It ends with the Resurrection. It ends with the most beautiful story that could ever be told. That is our reality with Jesus. That is what he offers us. I can't even tell you how much of a burden off of my shoulders that was to realize. Not only was it a burden lifted, it was hope restored, beauty promised, Life to the full as He promises in John 10:10. Even if I don't have it now I know that's the way the story ends. It's unbelievable what you can go through if you truly believe in your heart that all of your stories can end in redemption.
Story #2
As if that wasn't big enough for me, God goes and redeems another moment in my life. As I mentioned before, kids are messy in middle school, especially the kids I work with. They have a lot of ways of dealing with their pain, and one of them is to put others down. I am no exception. It can hurt, even coming from a middle schooler and being a "grown man." I have the authority to discipline them in the classroom. If a kid starts making fun of me or anyone else in the classroom, I'm going to give him a detention. If it keeps on, their parents will be called. That's just not acceptable. But for the kids who I hang out with outside of school, through WyldLife or just as an "older brother" figure, I don't really have that authority. I can tell them that I don't appreciate it. I can tell them that I'm going to stop giving them rides, that I don't have to hang out with them if they're going to treat me poorly, and that actually helps a lot.
Story #2
As if that wasn't big enough for me, God goes and redeems another moment in my life. As I mentioned before, kids are messy in middle school, especially the kids I work with. They have a lot of ways of dealing with their pain, and one of them is to put others down. I am no exception. It can hurt, even coming from a middle schooler and being a "grown man." I have the authority to discipline them in the classroom. If a kid starts making fun of me or anyone else in the classroom, I'm going to give him a detention. If it keeps on, their parents will be called. That's just not acceptable. But for the kids who I hang out with outside of school, through WyldLife or just as an "older brother" figure, I don't really have that authority. I can tell them that I don't appreciate it. I can tell them that I'm going to stop giving them rides, that I don't have to hang out with them if they're going to treat me poorly, and that actually helps a lot.
I shouldn't have to stand for that. No one should have to stand for that. But I have only just recently entered into that state of mind. For all of my life I have just taken it right in the face. Very rarely have I told people how I have felt when they were hurting me, whether that was friends, family, or WyldLife kids. I guess I just never considered it an option.
Going through that with the kids, a few in particular who were really getting their buttons pushed by me and in turn pushing back very hard, made me face that once and for all. We were both hurting, and even if I could make the kids stop, we were both still hurting. I knew it was another chance to meet God. And sure enough, He showed up for me.
I remembered another moment from like 3rd or 4th grade. I was hanging out with the kids in my neighborhood, and they were mean. I had some weird nose twitch going on at that time. I don't really know why I had it or even what it was exactly, but I remember they were ruthless in making fun of me for it. I didn't even do anything to provoke it. These kids just loved laughing at the expense of others, often my own. I remember sitting inside as they were leaving, each one of them poking their heads back into the window of my door to get their parting shots of mimicking my twitch and laughing all the while. I was terribly alone. I didn't tell anyone, and no one was around at the time. No one stuck up for me, and thinking back to that moment I realized that right then and there, I accepted the fact that no one would ever stick up for me. It's no wonder I have had such a hard time sticking up for myself. At 7 years old I formed a belief about life, all by myself, without ever knowing God was even in the picture, that no one would ever stick up for me.
As soon as God shepherded me back into that moment, showed me the lies I had accepted, I was finally able to reject it. I was finally able to realize that it's okay that I hadn't been sticking up for myself. God has, and He will every time. He's always for me, and He'll always love me. He's got no problem reprimanding me or bringing me back in line, but even that is because He's calling me to Himself and loves me. God always elevates those who He loves. If you're with Him, you never have to elevate yourself.
Finding myself loved also gives me all the opportunity to extend it back to the kids. Free from my own personal grievances, I realize more than likely these kids are being mean because they are hurting. There's a story behind everything, and I know that at least to a much greater degree, I'm free to listen to their stories, understand their pain, know their heart behind the matter. There may be consequences for their actions, but now it's much more than that. It's a chance to get to know them, and I think that is worth a great deal.
The grace has been like a waterfall recently, and it keeps coming. I could write more stories, but I don't know if Blogger can hold that many words. I was supposed to study tonight, but I ended up doing this instead. Oh well. This is more enjoyable. Never before have I been able to share myself with others as I can now. And I know when I share myself I'm sharing God, for I know He's with me. I know that the work He's doing is for His glory. It's like a mutually beneficial relationship from freshman Biology. We benefit by having our lives changed, and He benefits by flexing his muscles and showing His glory to all. He gets to say, "Do you remember that poor, pathetic fool from a few years back? See what I've done with him? That's my boy. Look at him now." Idk if I'm really to that point yet. I know I still have some time to spend with God, and honestly I don't really know if I want that kind of attention any way. It's actually really scary to boast like that. I don't think I ever would boast like that of my own accord because honestly I know myself well enough to know I would go hit a curb and pop a tire or something. But I think I'm beginning to see in many ways how reliable it is to boast in God. He's got bigger muscles than I do. He's the big guy. He's the awesome one. He's the author of the great story. He's the one who loves beyond all comprehension and is faithful as the rising sun. He's the tide the breaks us down and the rain that remakes us. That makes me feel a bit better. He's the awesome one, not me. He's just chosen to be really awesome to me, and I don't doubt He would to anyone else if they asked Him to be.
Aight. Time to go home. This McDonald's I chose to post up in is cold.
-Calv out
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