I'm still rejoicing in what God has already done in my life, but I'm encountering something that is just slamming me in the gut. I'm attempting to study for my teacher certification course, and it's a lot freaking harder than I expected it to be. I figured it would be like what I learned in school, but it's not. It's all theoretical math. It's very abstract and I just don't get it very well. It's really hard for me to feel like I am absolutely incapable of doing something, which is kind of how I feel now...
I remember when I was a kid, back in like 7th grade, a particular story of similar struggle. I was doing math homework, and I just couldn't figure it out. I was so furiously frustrated, because I just didn't know how to do it. I wanted to, but I was so angry that I couldn't. I tried and tried and just couldn't get it. My dad even tried to help me with it, but I don't think I even wanted it. I wanted to be able to do it on my own. I eventually ripped my paper up and put it in the trash. It was a total rage quit. I think I remember getting it back out, taping it up, and turning in what I had finished so far. But I was obviously upset, and I never really resolved it.
It wasn't the first or last time I've encountered something I didn't have the capacity to conquer, and it certainly wasn't the first or last time I lost my temper because of it. I remember playing computer games as a 5 year old and pounding the keyboard in frustration at my loss. I remember rage quitting while playing soccer in the backyard with my dad because I couldn't score on him. Then there was the homework in 7th grade, and again I walked out of a math test in college because I couldn't figure it out. It was the only class I've ever made a D on... It's kind of funny looking back haha, but man I guess sometimes when you're in the moment and really upset, you just can't take it anymore and walking out works.
It is part of my story, a continual theme: I come across something I can't do and just flounder. I usually avoid those places because it just makes me angry, but I'm going to walk through this one differently. I'm going to invite Jesus here. It's a hard place, and it matters to me. I can't do this, and it's incredibly frustrating. So instead of rage quitting or avoiding it, I'll hang out with Jesus here and let Him do His thing. I'm confident He'll show up for me here.
Also, I'm just now seeing that Revenge of the Sith is on TV. Suuuuup.
Friday, November 29, 2013
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Little by little...
One of my favorite quotes (of many) from JRR Tolkien is this: "Little by little, one travels far." I've been a real Christian for about 4 1/2 years now, and I feel I've finally traveled a good bit. Given that it's Thanksgiving and that I'm better at taking things for granted than actually being thankful, I wanted to take this post to be thankful for how far I have traveled.
Like I said earlier, a year and a half ago I could barely keep my food down at the thought of doing ministry. Now I work full time (technically part time, but whatevs) at the same school I do WyldLife at. Where I used to be scared to go to lunches, I now spend all day + a few hours on some days to get to know kids and find them in their own heart breaking stories. I'm getting to be creative in reaching kids and helping them learn (HULK SMASHES MATH). I get to extend grace to kids whose hearts are so cold and broken they have forgotten what hope feels like. I get to be with them all day, like a part of their family. I get to offer myself and my strengths more than I've ever felt comfortable doing in my life. In the past, I would fail or hurt someone, and it would crush me. I wouldn't live up to my expectations and I would hate myself. I wouldn't be who I thought I had to be and my world would end. But not anymore. God showed me it was just a lie, because if you mess up then you're just learning. If you stick with something long enough, you'll figure it out. I know I still have much, much more room to grow, but I am far removed from where I was. And that's great reason for me to give thanks. It's a long journey in life, and sometimes you just have to stop, look around, and see how high you've climbed, soak in the view around you and remember what you've gotten through so far.
Here's a story... About a year and a half ago I became a team leader of Jane Long WyldLife. The first day I sat down to plan for the year with my partner, I freaked out so much that I had to stop the meeting and ask her if I could just go bake some cookies and clear my head. Yes I went and baked cookies to relieve stress, and yes they were pretty good. I was so terrified and so convinced I was going to screw everything up, that I was going to fail miserably as the leader of the team that I felt sick to my stomach. It was kind of ridiculous looking back, because I clearly loved that team and its mission and didn't do a bad job. Nonetheless, I was terrified. Thankfully God had already been at work. I just had no self confidence, like none. I didn't know how to get it, and I never really had it in the first place. I used to always tell my old friend Mr. Jon O that I have never felt good enough for anything. I would always try to be more than I was, someone I wasn't, and I would fail and wallow in shame. He would tell me, "what about being yourself? What if God just wants you to be yourself?" It seemed simple enough. Being yourself should be the simplest thing in the world right? Wrong. First of all, I didn't really know who I was. Second of all, I was so convinced from my life up to that point that being myself was the source of most if not all of my problems. Those were two things I could not rectify on my own. I needed a Shepherd. I needed to be told who I was. I needed to recognize that so much of what I believed about the world was a lie, and that the truth was as wonderful as could be. That process began much before I became a team leader, but that definitely pushed it into overdrive. It was tough. I would struggle and struggle and believe everything was my fault and that nothing could be done and that I could never be good enough, and it went on and on. Slowly, painfully, God walked with me through it. I just had to choose him.
These were some of my greatest sources of inspiration along the way:
"17 and the book of the prophet Isaiah was handed to Him, and he opened the book and found the place where it was written,
18 'The Spirit of The Lord is upon me, because He anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor. He sent me to proclaim release to the captives, and recovery of sight to the blind, to set free those who are oppressed.
19 to proclaim the favorable year of The Lord."
Luke 4:17-19
I felt blind. I felt like a captive to my own self doubt and lack of confidence. I felt oppressed. This was the promise that gave me the ability to choose something besides despair (even though I unfortunately frequented despair often). It gave me something to hope in.
There were these too:
The thief has come to steal and kill and destroy, but I come that they may have life and have it to the full.
John 10:10
Life to the full? I wanted in on that!
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
Matthew 5:6
I never understood the beautitudes until I realized that you don't really come to meet Jesus and encounter the riches of his grace until you really, really struggle.
For I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of The Lord in the land of the living.
Psalm 27:13
I lost hope many, many times on the journey. I would shut down. I hated it. Sometimes it hurt the people I loved, and I'm sorry for that. But this verse was one of the few that kept me goin when I fell into those pits of despair.
On the last and greatest day of the feast, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him.
John 7:37-38
Mr. Jon O always said being loved by Jesus was the simplest thing in the world. All you had to do was ask. Want a drink? Just ask for it. You don't have to know how it works. You don't have to do anything but choose Jesus, and it changes your life. Its slow and painful, but it works.
For a righteous man falls seven times and rises again.
Proverbs 24:16
This one may have been one of the most important. I can't say how many times I fell along the way, but this gave me the motivation to pick myself up.
Samwise knows what's up.
So does the Lion King
And Aunt May.
Like I said earlier, a year and a half ago I could barely keep my food down at the thought of doing ministry. Now I work full time (technically part time, but whatevs) at the same school I do WyldLife at. Where I used to be scared to go to lunches, I now spend all day + a few hours on some days to get to know kids and find them in their own heart breaking stories. I'm getting to be creative in reaching kids and helping them learn (HULK SMASHES MATH). I get to extend grace to kids whose hearts are so cold and broken they have forgotten what hope feels like. I get to be with them all day, like a part of their family. I get to offer myself and my strengths more than I've ever felt comfortable doing in my life. In the past, I would fail or hurt someone, and it would crush me. I wouldn't live up to my expectations and I would hate myself. I wouldn't be who I thought I had to be and my world would end. But not anymore. God showed me it was just a lie, because if you mess up then you're just learning. If you stick with something long enough, you'll figure it out. I know I still have much, much more room to grow, but I am far removed from where I was. And that's great reason for me to give thanks. It's a long journey in life, and sometimes you just have to stop, look around, and see how high you've climbed, soak in the view around you and remember what you've gotten through so far.
The best part is, I'm not that much different than who I have always been. Instead of changing, it's like I became more of myself. It's pretty fun really, to have real confidence. So even though I still have many broken places, many places where I'm not the most confident, I'm going to take time to be thankful for how freaking huge God has been in my life the past few years. Burdens lifted and freedom granted have been his business with me. I don't anticipate the struggle is over, but at least now I've seen God show up enough to know he'll pull me through the next thing.
Happy Thanksgiving!
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