An old dirt road

My roommates and I love playing disc golf.
We got a nice treat around hole 16.

I've struggled greatly since I last wrote, but there has been a great deal of grace and a great deal of freedom. For the first time ever I'm learning to accept how God truly sees me. Here's a good story... I played basketball the other night with my roommates and a few buddies. I started to play terribly, turning the ball over, choosing to take wild shots, and I began to dwell on it. I responded to it with shame. I let it define me as I always have. I felt like I could do nothing but fail, and I felt terrible. Playing basketball was a little microcosm of my every day life. Every time I run into failure I always accept it as the definition of who I am. But its different now. God has told me Himself, "My son, you are doing just fine. My son, I am proud of you." The only person not okay with me is me. God's okay with me turning the ball over, but I was not okay with it. I didn't really have much time to sort out my thoughts as I played, too much was happening. But I thought to myself "I don't have to succumb to shame. I dont' have to lie here in this ditch. I can fight" So I rejected it. For no other explanation I can give but the grace of God, I rejected the shame. I may have messed up, but thats okay. God still loves me. He's proud of me, so why dwell on it? So I did just that. I brushed the dirt off my shoulders. I kept playing. It made the game a LOT more fun. It became about enjoying a nice game of basketball with my friends, not about winning to prove myself. For the moment it was a huge burden lifted, and I have God to thank for that. There have been moments like that the whole past week, and even today I've had to fight off accepting what I know to be a lie. The truth is: God is okay with me, so I can be okay with me. But it is a continual battle in accepting that. Old habits die hard. Regardless, it is freedom. Today I went to class and was myself. I had no fear in answering questions in front of everyone, no fear of being seen as an idiot, no fear of being seen as a failure. My heart beat even stayed at a normal rate. I wasn't afraid. I knew God was okay with me, and thats all that mattered. I answered at least 3 questions, and they were solid answers. I even bantered a little with the professor, which was great fun. I didn't realize how big of a deal that was for me until way later in the day. It was a great victory because I had accepted God's love for me. It freed me from the fear of other's opinions or my own. It felt great to be me. The freedom is great, but honestly I hardly even really recognized it because of how deeply I was wanting something more. I realize now more than ever that a relationship with Jesus is not just about freedom. Freedom is the byproduct, the bonus plan. The real prize is communion, and thats what I was wanting so badly. The last two days I've been tired from what I've felt like has been a war within myself to accept Jesus. I found myself longing for more but not really knowing what it was I wanted. It was so deep that I hardly even recognized how much I enjoyed the freedom. I've experienced Jesus before intimately and nothing, not even freedom from something I've dealt with my whole life, compares to the joy, the peace, the comfort, the freaking awesomeness that comes with having a moment with Him. It made me think of how the disciples could literally walk next to Jesus, how they could talk to Him face to face, how they could sit down around a camp fire with Him and just spend time with Him. I longed to walk next to Jesus down a dirt road, to be with someone who loves me deeply and who wants to hear everything I have to say. The image of that has floated on my mind all day. The freedom is great, and I am thankful for it. And honestly, it is something I think I will have to continue to fight for for awhile. But what I really want, what I really need is that intimacy with my Father. All I could think to say when I prayed in my car today was "I miss You, Jesus." I know He hasn't gone anywhere, but for whatever reason I suppose it feels like He has. Its as if He threw me a sword and shield with that moment of affirmation, and now He let me walk into a valley to show me that I have the heart and courage to fight my way out of it. Now that I've seen what it looks like to fight for my heart and that I am joining that fight, I'd really like to just get a nice big hug from Him. Its like there are two different levels of where I'm at right now. The first level is the fact that it is truly up to me to fight to accept that God loves me. He can't force that upon me. Its up to me. But on another level, He waits to walk next to me on that dirt road. He wants to hear about my day, about the hardness of life. I'm walking through life with Another, and thats why Jesus is so great. I know the semester will be full of fighting for my heart. It won't be easy, and I know I'll trip and fall. But I'm on the path to freedom, and more importantly I'm on the path with Jesus. Its not about where I'm going, its about who I'm with. I'm with the Best there is.

Total side note... If you haven't gone to see Beauty and the Beast in 3D then I highly suggest it. I went and saw it with some of my Wyldlife team (shout out!) today. It may sound cheesey, but I was enchanted by Belle's character and the story. The music was great too. Gotta love old school disney, gotta love yellow dresses.

Muted

Drinking deeply!

Getting back into school has been hard. Assignments and readings haven't piled high yet, but all of my classes heavily encourage group discussion. And that scares the crap out of me. Sometimes I muster up the courage to say something and attempt to contribute, but its always through my pulse beating faster than 500 bpm and sweaty palms. It scares me, and its frustrating. I know I have something to contribute, a different view on the subjects we discuss in class, but regardless I am scared. I've sat with God in that, in the hardness of that fear. Grace has been subtle but very existent. I see now thats its more of the same. I know I'm not worthless, but it is not what I believe. It is not what I live from. I was writing an assignment yesterday and found myself, much in the same way I approached the blog in the past, very afraid to say something because I was afraid the teacher would say "well thats dumb." I was afraid she'd read my paper and ask me about it and furthermore be afraid I'd be unable to back up what I said on the spot. Not knowing the answers is hard, but it is a great place to be loved by God. In the same way I suppose I'm afraid of that reaction from peers or a teacher in class. That I would say something, it be refuted, and consequently I look like a fool. It sucks. I know now its all deeper than these interactions within school. I'm always afraid to put my true self out there, to really say whats on my mind. I think I grew up believing my true self wasn't good enough, that it was worthless, and that has driven me into hiding. So I sit in class with my mouth glued shut, I sit in a room of new people and barely venture out of my hole, I merely survive. I've met God a lot in this. I'm not nearly as afraid or cautious to be myself around others, but I think the belief that I'm worthless still clings deep down. Failure, being wrong, not being good enough, whatever happened before I met Jesus led me to believe I was exactly that: worthless. I'm in a great place though. I'm being rescued from this. I've been invited into the wonderful opportunity to be loved by a God who cares in the midst of struggles like this. I don't really know what to expect here when He says "I've come to set free the captives" or whatever, but I know it is good. And I know that is His promise.

"And the book of the prophet Isaiah was handed to Him. And He opened the book and found the place where it was written, 'The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He annointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor. He has sent Me to proclaim release to the captives, and recovery of sight to the blind, to set free those who are oppressed, to proclaim the favorable year of the Lord.'"
Luke 4: 17-19

That is an awesome promise.

I watched "We Bought A Zoo" the other night with some of my buddies, and it was pretty awesome. I really liked one part of it specifically. Throughout the movie Matt Damon's character talks about only needing 20 seconds of courage. At the end of the movie he relates a story to his kids about meeting his wife/their mom and its something like this: "I was walking by a coffee shop and stopped dead in front of the window, completely stunned by the beautiful woman sitting on the other side of that window. I walked on and stopped at the door past the window and reminded myself, it only takes 20 seconds of courage. So I mustered up to start that 20 seconds and marched in. A few seconds more had gone by and I was running out of time. Then I walked up, and I spoke to her, totally out of the blue." It was a pretty cool story. Only 20 seconds of courage. I know eventually I'll have been loved well enough by God to the point where I won't be so afraid to voice my opinion in class. Maybe there will even be a point down the line, maybe even sooner than later, where I won't be afraid at all. But until then, its a neat way to find courage. Besides, thats not what its all about anyway. Using God for freedom and a destroyer against fear is missing the point. Freedom will come, fear will disappate, He will fulfill what He's promised, but the true prize is communion with God. Getting to know the greatest and most beautiful mystery in existence, that is what matters.

'Mark'ing down the simple things. #pun

A sunset over Castaway. One of my favorites.

I haven't written in awhile, mostly because I've felt like a total failure. I know I'm not, I've had too many friends and God Himself tell me otherwise, but I still feel like one. Thats been frustrating, knowing that what I feel is a lie but feeling powerless to accept it. I know in my mind I'm okay, that I'm not a failure, but my heart does not believe it. Grace is happening though, however slowly. Its an incredibly weird concept to "know God". I was talking to a friend, Mr. Jon O, and he reminded me what he's told me many times before. When you're thirsty, you take a drink of water. You don't know how it necessarily works or care, you just drink it. You don't ask the drink of water how it'll help you, you just drink it. Jesus is very much the same way. Its a lot like being saved in the first place. You're not sure how being saved happens except that you accept a gift. You believe, and it is so. So when I'm struggling, when I'm in pain, when I'm feeling like a piece of crap, I can go to Jesus and say "Yuuhhhhh, I am thirsty." And in some mysterious way grace happens. I'm not even really sure what grace looks like half the time, but I think lately its been realizing how deep the pain of failure really is. Realizing that and realizing that God cares. He cares and wants to love me there. Its that freakin simple, to say yes to His offer of life, yet it still can be so difficult. Most of the times I'd like answers, solutions to problems, but Jesus offers Himself. Thankfully, thats far, far better.  The last 2 days specificallly I've struggled with not having answers. There is still so much I do not know. I think I've come to know a lot, but there is still so much that I don't. And thats hard for me, especially with a world that demands answers. I talked to a professor after class yesterday and she told me to think about these questions: "Why doesn't Younglife give condoms to kids?" "Why doesn't Younglife pair up with a Jewish and/or Muslim organization to help kids?" And those answers aren't that difficult, but the hard part was that I didn't know how to explain to her that Christianity isn't like the rest of the world's religions. Its not a set of rules or guidelines on which to perform by, its about getting to know an actual person, Jesus. I didn't know how to tell her that, and even if I had a hunch I was afraid of telling her and being wrong. I was afraid she, or anyone who I have this conversation with, would think I was wrong, furthermore thinking I was dumb, furthermore ultimately thinking I wasn't worth anything. I suppose it's the fear of failure and from that failure the feeling of worthlessness. Its the deepest, darkest fear that enslaves me. And I think that in itself was grace, realizing that regardless of the fact that I know I'm not those things that I still feel that way and that God cares about that. He waits to love me in the way I feel, even if I know its not true. I guess deep down I still believe I'm a failure, that I'm worthless. I've believed it my whole life underneath the surface, and its not a lie the devil will let me free from easily. But I know God is freeing me from it. I know He is drawing me intimately closer, however slowly it may seem to me. He will not let that belief stand because I also believe He is my Father and that He is far greater and more generous than that. It'll be a battle, and I will fight alongside Him to truly accept it. But I am not alone. He will not abandon me. He will be faithful. It will be hard. I will probably be scared to go to class for awhile, because there are always group discussions. I'll probably be in situations where I am afraid. But He is with me, and He is loving me. And that is good.

37 On the last and greatest day of the feast, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, "If anyone is thirsty let him come to me and drink.
38 Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him."
-John 7: 37-38

I want to get in on that.

Texas A&M has this great thing every Tuesday night called Breakaway. Thousands of college students meet in our basketball arena and there is worship and a talk by local legend Ben Stuart. He had a daughter  3 months ago or so, and last night he brought her out on stage. He was told by a friend to view his relationship with his daughter the way his relationship is with God. What he said about that was pretty awesome, and I'd be doing it an injustice by trying to imitate it. But if you have the time and want to listen to something great, check it out for yourself. The podcast isn't up yet, but go to this link. http://breakawayministries.org/resources Click on podcasts and it should be at the top once they load it up. The date will be Tuesday 1/17/12. If you have the time, I think its worth your time.

If not, I've thought about the same thing before with people I love. It reminds me of my sisters. I care about what they do because I want them to be happy, but it does not effect whether or not I still love and enjoy them. If they were to upset me it would be because of my own insecurities, my own fears or hurts. I don't love and enjoy them because they act good or because they can give me something, I do because I love and enjoy who they are. Their humor, their laugh, their little quircks, their personality, what makes them to be them. I love them for who they are, their hearts. I love hanging out with them. In the same way, Jesus loves us. He doesn't need anything from us, acting differently or better will not give Him anything. He wants the best for us, so He advises us not to do the things that hurt us. But He loves because He sees our personality, He hears our laughter, He enjoys our quircks. He delights in our happiness, in our well-being, in spending time with us. That is very comforting. The only ball in our court is to say "Yes Jesus, I am thirsty. I want a drink." And He says "I gotchu, remember John 7?" Or something like that.

Concerning hobbits

I've been so worried about meeting God for freedom, for a change in my life, for something that will help me stop doing the things I hate doing. I'm still addicted to so much of the sin that I grew up running to before I had ever met Jesus. I'm still failing a lot. And that's bugged the crap out of me. I've been sitting, waiting, hoping that God would love me not for the sake of knowing Him any better but for the sake of behavior change. I've wanted the freedom so I can move about living my life. I've been worrying about the future, all of the things I'm still so afraid of, and really just anything and everything there is to worry about. Its exhausting. But I guess tonight I was hit with the fact that I was missing a much greater opportunity. Freedom will come, I will change, I will be made new, but that's not all. There is so much more, something better that I am confident God wants to offer us. To truly know Him. I was journaling earlier with questions like "how do I even approach you?" "What do I even say to you?" "How do I do this?" "How do I know you?" I'm not really even sure what hanging out with Jesus truly looks like yet, but I think I experienced a glimpse of that tonight. I was reading the Fellowship of the Ring and playing some of my favorite movie soundtrack tunes in the background. "Concerning Hobbits" came on and my immediate reaction was "Hey God, I like this song. It makes me happy." I kind of paused and thought, "well that was cool". I felt like a kiddo. The past few days (at least these past few especially) I've been stuck in frustration, anger, impatience, and loads of other stressful emotions, but tonight I was able to let that go. I was able to trust that God has got all my crap under control, that He just wants to hang out with me, to love me, to know me. It gave me peace. It sure relieved a lot of stress too, not worrying about all the crap I have, because there is a lot. I don't know what this will all look like in the coming days. I still don't really know whats going on, but I'm content to listen to "Concerning Hobbits" with a great book and hang out with God. Come tomorrow I'm sure I'll find something to worry myself over, but I'm excited to truly know Him more. A part of me just knows deep inside there is so much more God has to offer than I give Him credit for. That is comforting.

On a side note: 366 until Gandalf and Bilbo hit the big screen again in the Hobbit. YUH!

No picture today, but...

Watch this and tell me it didn't make you at least a little happy... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sAb-fqBrUsY

And watch this and get excited. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0k3kHtyoqc

Discount Tires...

Wouldn't be a post without a nature pic
to sooth the eyes, aye?
#Pedernales Falls State Park

This is a hard post to write for me. It isn't one of success or thankfulness. Its a hard season in life. My first few blog posts were victories for me. I could hang my hat on being courageous, but today is not a day of courage. Today my car broke down at Discount Tire, and I couldn't get it started for 3 hours. I knew it was God trying to get me alone with Him, to truly spend time with Him in hard places I've been reluctant to go into because of how hard they are. I grew angry, frustrated, and eventually upset. I went about it in my usual way, trying to figure out why I was feeling the way I was, but I couldn't do that. I've been sitting in a lot of feelings of longing and shame, and I didn't know what to make of them. Usually I push them away, I run, but I had nowhere to run this time. God wouldn't offer me answers because as my buddy Mr. Jon O pointed out, that would be missing the opportunity. God is a person, and He wants to be a refuge, a Father, a Savior in times where we have no idea what is going on. Were He to give me answers, I would never have had the opportunity to sit with Him as with a person, to be vulnerable and confused. I've put on a little Holiday weight, probably not even enough for anyone to notice but me, but it infuriated me. It was so hard for me and shamed me so much that I didn't have the will power or strength or whatever to control eating habits. I used to weigh a LOT more than I do now, and I always ran to food growing up when things got hard. I don't think I knew what I was doing then, and old habits die hard. It made me SO frustrated that I couldn't do it. I've always gotten frustrated with things when I can't do them. I remember ripping up math homework when I was in middle school because I was so frustrated at not being able to figure it out. I remember pounding the keyboard as a child when I couldn't beat the last level on some stupid fighting game. Even now it gets way under my skin when I can't get my computer working right, or when I lose in Halo, or when I fail anywhere. Its failure at the root of it. Failure chains me. I'm deeply ashamed and deeply afraid of it, and I live from that everywhere. I've met God again and again in failure and He's loved me so wonderfully in a lot of hard places of failure, but I suppose the issue is deeper than I give it credit. I've noticed lately how frustrated I get when I don't know how to help people. For one, it kind of robs me of some selfish glory because I can't be the one people say "oh he's so great, he helped me so much!". But I know its also the part of me that genuinely wants to love and help people. And often times, I don't know how to help people, all of the kids I hang out with in Wyldlife, people I see every day. I don't know how to help them, and thats really hard for me. I feel like a failure because of it. I can recognize now as a 20 year old that I'm not the one who's responsible for "helping" people. A lot of whether or not a person meets God is their own decision. I can recognize that I've only put on a tiny bit of weight and that isn't a big deal. I can remember that "its not whats on the outside but the inside that matters" blah blah. I can extend myself kindness, I can love myself, but the shame goes deeper than that. I was born into failure as human and a part of me has always known its not what I was created to be. I grew up ashamed of it and frustrated with it, and that child inside still feels the same way. I realized in the car I don't know what to do, I don't know how to handle it, I don't know how to make my way on my own, and that is scary. Even today I didn't tell the people around me how I felt after sitting in my car with God. I was scared, and I'm not even sure why. But I know I'm in a good place. I know I've been broken down into a place where I have the opportunity to let myself be loved by my Father. I don't have to manage my anger or frustration. I don't have to live with the chains of fear. I just say "Father, I'm willing to be loved here." In its basic element I guess its faith and learning to trust Him. Its not something I'm used to, even after He's been faithful so much. So thats how my story unfolds as I know not what to do but sit and trust Him. I don't even know if half the stuff I've said has any truth, but I know I just have to trust Him. Trust that He'll love me deep in the heart of the child that never had the opportunity to meet God back in all of those hard places.  Trust that He'll love me and sit with me as He already has so many times.

I have to share this song because #1 its from Lord of the Rings and #2 its just a beautiful song I always play when I get all upset and frustrated. If you like movie soundtracks, you'll enjoy this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rblt3u_Bocw

I d k

I gotta keep the stream of random nature pictures coming. #punny

I'll admit, I am confused. I've noticed lately that I am wanting something, but I do not know exactly what it is I want. I've had hints and hunches about what it is, but I just honestly don't know. It is a deep longing. It influences so much of who I've been and what I've done the last few days and really my whole life. I watch movies with great stories of heroes and adventurers and long to have my own story reflect theirs. I think about this blog a lot, and I don't like that. It frustrates me that I've thought about it so much. I want to write about my honest stories of meeting God, not what I've thought about as the best possible thing to write all day. I tried to stop thinking about it, but that didn't work. It was treating the symptom, and that never works. Regardless, the desire underneath why I love stories of heroes and adventurers or why I have thought about what to say on this blog so much still exists. I don't know what else to do with it but take it to Jesus and just wait. If there's one thing I hope I never doubt its the generosity of God. He may not give me a girlfriend or a position as Captain on the Starship Enterprise, but I know He'll meet me in the reason I want those things in the first place. Side note: I am forever and always a Star Wars fan, but I did watch the recent Star Trek movie and it was really awesome (hence the Starship Enterprise reference...). It is just confusing. I guess I'm a problem solver at heart and I always try to think things through. I'm learning more and more that is not the case with God. If I were to solve all of my problems by thinking things through, if I were even capable of comprehending the complexity of my heart and soul, I would miss the greatest opportunity to be loved well by God. Thats the whole point of it all anyway, knowing Him more intimately. All of my desires are found someway or another in knowing Him as a best friend or a Father or (and I feel a little weird saying this) a lover. "I don't know" is definitely the most frequently used phrase in my journal, but it is a good place to be with a faithful God. So thats where I'm at right now... waiting.

I'm reminded of and always loved this Psalm for times like these. David was a poet fasho.


1 As the deer pants for streams of water,
   so my soul pants for you, my God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
   When can I go and meet with God?
-Psalm 42

Farmer's Fightin'

I just can't stand having a post with nothing but text,
so here's a random sunset picture.

Today was a battle. I looked in the mirror and felt shame, deep shame. I felt like I was going to regret this whole blog thing. I was afraid people would think what I'm writing is stupid. I think a part of me is fed up with that thought though, because I fought back. I'm not sure how God fits in this whole deal, but I'm pretty sure He's letting me join the fight for my heart. He's shown His feelings towards me, and He's proud of me. The only reason I feel the way I do is because I accept it. I've always accepted the shame and doubt and blah. But at some point in the morning I decided I wasn't going to, and I've had to re-decide not to like 5 times today too. Chances are I'll write something on here that may be wrong, it may be misinformed, I may offend someone. But I can choose to reject the shame I feel and the lies I believe when that happens. I have that power, thanks to Jesus.

I was thinking earlier about why I started writing this, the real reason. I enjoy getting down into the truth of my motives. They're always fueled by some deep desire, and desire at its root always leads me back to God. I was driving, one of my favorite bubbles to hang with Jesus, and I talked with Him about it. Usually its just kind of me talking aloud and I'll just listen to my heart, and this was no different. In the case of starting this blog I was very afraid, but I think I came across a point where my desire for life was stronger than my fear of whatever I'm afraid of. My honest hope is to have more honest conversations with people about stuff that matters. Its hard to have those conversations; I know that fear first hand. But I think they are very worth it. I'd like that for my life, for me and for the people I know. Call it cheesy, but honesty is so the best policy. I know there is more to my motives for starting this blog, but I don't quite yet understand them. I know I'm desiring for more in life, to be in a great story. I watched Thor tonight with my sister Kaylin, which was freaking awesome and I canNOT wait for the Avengers/like 3 other movies this coming year. I'll use this opportunity to throw a line out there for a TV show a few of my roommates and I have become hooked on: Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes. Its on DisneyXD, but its one of the best TV shows I've ever seen. Very well written, great voice acting, great fun. Anyway... one part in particular hit me in the chest with goosebumps. There is a scene where Thor is thought to be dead, BUT THEN his hammer comes zooming out of nowhere. He snatches it out of the air and becomes the straight BA he was meant to be. For whatever reason that spoke to me, as do many moments like that in good stories. He was dangerous, he was important, he had a role to play, he was strong. All traits I feel like all doods would enjoy. I've read before I have a role to play, that I'm important just as everyone is important in the Kingdom of God, but I suppose I do not yet feel it. Either way, I know its an opportunity to meet God. One way or another, down the line the root of that desire will be met in Him, whatever it is.

I am glad I started writing. I don't know what will come of it, but I suppose thats the fun part. I read this today and liked it, so I thought I'd share.

14 For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, 
15 from whom every family in Heaven and on earth derives its name, 
16 that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man,
17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 
18 may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, 
19 and to know the love of Christ which surpasses all knowledge, that you may be filled up to the fullness of God.
-Ephesians 3:14-19

Pretty tight.

Oh and just in case you want some entertainment, here is what I did for New Years... https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=2704284058838

uhhhh

I woke up, walked into my kitchen, stopped, and thought "did I really just post that?" I'd like to delete the blog and just walk away from it. That would be safer. I may even end up doing that to be honest. I suppose its just a perfect example of the second guessing I put myself through every day. Just as I said, the questions of what people will say, who will reject it, was I wrong, and others fill up my thoughts. It scares me a bit. But I think I'll try trusting God a bit more. Even if I do end up being wrong or failing in some way, God waits for me in that.

I have to leave to go to work this morning, but I'll share another quick story before I go. I tell this story to people all of the time. It was a random Wednesday halfway through the semester. I had just woken up and I was frustrated. There were a few group projects due, and I felt like I couldn't do enough to do well on all of them. I felt like I wasn't doing good enough as a Wyldlife leader. I felt like I had failed my team and the kids. I felt like I wasn't being a good enough friend, or a good enough son, or brother. I felt like a failure, and that frustrated the hell out of me. I hopped in the car for tennis class and talked to God as we drove. I remember complaining, expressing my frustration with God, and right as I crossed Holleman and Anderson I heard "My son, you are doing just fine." It wasn't an audible voice, but I heard it. I paused as if it was to good to be true and kind of waited. I asked, "is that you God?" His reply was "My son, I am proud of you." I cried allll the way up to Tennis class. It was the most intimate moment I've ever had with my Father. I never called God that until then, but now it feels right to. Now I'm thrilled to call Him Father.  It was the perfect response to my survival. I figured if I could be perfect and win everyone's approval then I'd be okay, but that was exhausting. I was trying to be the perfect son, leader, friend, student, and brother and it was too much. I don't need to be. I had my Father's approval, and it wasn't based on what I have done. I was angry, complaining, I had ran from pain to various sin only the night before. I was not doing good. But He was proud of me. He loved me despite my actions. This experience alone didn't grant me total freedom, because I realized I have to choose to believe what He told me to be true instead of doubting. Its very easy, very familiar to just assume I'm a failure and run from whatever it is that scares me. He gave me an incredibly intimate moment to look back to as a sword and shield against lies. It was another one of those moments where I feel like you just have to experience it for yourself to completely relate. Anyway, I have to go get ready. I'll prob post again tonight. Lata

Out the door

I journal every day. Sometimes I journal a few times a day. I suppose its how I pray, or at least how I spend time with God. My buddy Mr. Jon O and I caught up at length today, and he suggested to me to make a blog of good stories. I figured since I journal anyway I might as well write a few blog posts to share. We both agreed people, most Christians really, aren't aware of the vast opportunities God waits for us in life. Whether its to be loved well, to know Him better, to find true freedom, we have really no idea what it looks like to encounter Jesus as the person He is. I've been invited onto an epic life journey with Jesus through Mr. Jon O, and I've encountered God in ways that are honestly just the type of thing you have to experience for yourself. I've been invited into something wonderful. But I'm afraid of sharing that with others. I'm always in fear of what people will think of me. I am always tip-toeing around, "surviving" as Mr. Jon O calls it instead of living free. So much of what I do, what I say, how I live is chained and held back by fear. By grace, I understand the fear a bit. Its a result of my story. Even as I write this now, I go back to edit and change what I've said because I'm scared what I'm writing won't be good enough. I'm worrying about whether or not someone will read this and say "this is stupid!". I'm worried what I say, who I am will be rejected. Thats my honest fear. I live from it every day. So I'll try something. I won't look back to change what I've said. I'll just type my whats on my heart and see what happens. I don't even know if I've really been completing a thought. Whatever. I'm writing this blog to share with others how I've experienced God in my life, because I know any one else can experience the same thing if they know they have that opportunity. So I'll share some of my favorite stories since I've started walking with Jesus.

The first story that comes to mind involves a summer staff friend from Castaway. Many of my greatest stories actually involve Castaway friends. I'll admit, I am a little scared to share this one, because I worry about what she will think of it if she ever reads it. Basically, I had a crush on my friend during summer staff, and the feelings were mutual. It didn't last this way for long. I clung and clawed to try and make it work, but it was not meant to. I know now the reason I hung on so tightly is because of the shadow of what a pretty girl liking me meant to me. It meant something to me that someone I enjoyed so much enjoyed me so much. It was counter to the lies I have believed my whole life that I am not good enough, that I was unworthy, or insert negative self perception. That not working out initially lead me to believe every bit of those lies again. It was hard for me, and I had no idea that the way I was feeling was not because of her. Those feelings, the self doubt had existed long before I had ever met her.  Anyway... I had already bought a plane ticket to visit her way before it ended up not working out. I had a decision to make: visit her and risk it being really weird and awkward or waste $200. I prayed about it, talked to friends, and listened to my heart. I decided to go. It was an incredibly hard weekend for me. I was beating myself to hell the whole weekend, and it did nothing to help my self confidence around a completely new set of people. It wasn't the worst thing in the world. There were moments I really enjoyed, but I was in terrible pain and fear. I was hanging out with her and all of her friends and I just felt like a bump on a log. I was not being myself, I was hardly talking, and I just felt terrible. I cried and cried out to God when I had time with Him. He waited awhile. He let me sit in that familiar place of pain. It was my story replaying itself. I believed I was a piece of crap as a result of what happened with her, but really I had believed that my entire life. The last night I was there I was really fed up with the way I was feeling. I was angry because I was in so much pain. At one moment I decided to steal away and hit up Mr. Jon O. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I remember crying harder than I had since I can remember. It was so terribly hard for me, and my heart needed to cry. I'm very thankful Mr. Jon O was there to lend an ear when I needed it. God's timing fasho. I remember being assured God waited to love me in this terrible place. While I was still on the phone, still sort of crying, she called me. She asked if I was okay and I lied my ass off and said I was. Luckily she was kind and compassionate enough to txt me a few seconds later to make sure. I think it was a pretty obvious lie, I probably sounded like I had been crying. The second time, I took her up on the offer of friendship and said I wasn't okay. She asked if I wanted to talk, and I said yes. I don't remember the full conversation. I remember not knowing what or how to say or what I wanted to say for awhile, but she sat and waited. Finally, between sniffles (in fact I remember exclaiming how I'd never cried in front of a girl before), I told her how difficult the weekend had been for me. The part I do remember was her response. I don't know whether or not what she said to me was her or God speaking through her or whatever. I don't know who to credit it to, but I don't think it matters. I think they both genuinely felt what she spoke. She said I was the most genuine person she had ever met. She said she lost track of the amount of girls that were friends of hers that had said I was cute (I don't care if its shallow, it meant a lot to me). She said something along the lines that I was an amazing person and that the world should know me. I just remember the paraphrased version, but the exact words themselves don't matter as much as what they meant to me. We sat outside a bit longer as I dried my eyes, and then a miracle happened. Instantly, I was 100% my joyful, outgoing self around everyone I talked to. I met most of the people I interacted with that night for the first time that night or a few days prior, but I felt like I was best friends with everyone. None of my fears mattered anymore. All of the lies I believe even today to a degree had been destroyed by what she said to me. I felt myself for the first time all weekend, and I freaking loved it. I had a blast just being me. I remember driving home screaming at the top of my lungs out of joy as I thought over the weekend. I did not know what else to do. God had rescued me and loved me so beautifully. I felt more loved than I ever had in my entire life. It was my version of the captivity in Egypt or whatever story it was in the Bible where Moses leads the Israelites out of Egypt and parts the Red Sea. My Red Sea had been parted. I had been rescued and loved so well. I always look to that story to remind myself in times of hardship and pain that God will be faithful as He had been before. He will be God. There is much more to the story, but primarily it marked the first time I had felt so incredibly loved in a span of time I have been loved well by God. From it, I was not free from the fear, pain, and shame from believing I was a piece of crap. But at the least, I drank deeply from the well of Jesus. I'm on the journey for freedom, but thats not the true prize. Meeting God like I had then is my true heart's desire.

Since this whole post is a load of boring black and white txt, I'll share a beautiful sunset God painted in Colorado.

I don't think anyone is currently reading my blog at the moment. This is the hard part. If I want to share, I have to actually share the blog on Facebook or Twitter. That puts me in a place where I will be afraid, afraid of what people will think of what I say. Now I have to decide whether or not to put it up. Either way, I should write these earlier. I have to get up and work tomorrow morning. I am a terrible night owl.

At this moment right now, I'm listening to the song "The Return of the King" from the Lord of the Rings soundtrack. It reminds me of a quote Bilbo says in the Fellowship of the Ring. I didn't remember the quote exactly, so I looked it up:

Bilbo Baggins: "It's a dangerous business, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no telling where you might be swept off to."

I freaking love The Lord of the Rings.