Farmer's Fightin'

I just can't stand having a post with nothing but text,
so here's a random sunset picture.

Today was a battle. I looked in the mirror and felt shame, deep shame. I felt like I was going to regret this whole blog thing. I was afraid people would think what I'm writing is stupid. I think a part of me is fed up with that thought though, because I fought back. I'm not sure how God fits in this whole deal, but I'm pretty sure He's letting me join the fight for my heart. He's shown His feelings towards me, and He's proud of me. The only reason I feel the way I do is because I accept it. I've always accepted the shame and doubt and blah. But at some point in the morning I decided I wasn't going to, and I've had to re-decide not to like 5 times today too. Chances are I'll write something on here that may be wrong, it may be misinformed, I may offend someone. But I can choose to reject the shame I feel and the lies I believe when that happens. I have that power, thanks to Jesus.

I was thinking earlier about why I started writing this, the real reason. I enjoy getting down into the truth of my motives. They're always fueled by some deep desire, and desire at its root always leads me back to God. I was driving, one of my favorite bubbles to hang with Jesus, and I talked with Him about it. Usually its just kind of me talking aloud and I'll just listen to my heart, and this was no different. In the case of starting this blog I was very afraid, but I think I came across a point where my desire for life was stronger than my fear of whatever I'm afraid of. My honest hope is to have more honest conversations with people about stuff that matters. Its hard to have those conversations; I know that fear first hand. But I think they are very worth it. I'd like that for my life, for me and for the people I know. Call it cheesy, but honesty is so the best policy. I know there is more to my motives for starting this blog, but I don't quite yet understand them. I know I'm desiring for more in life, to be in a great story. I watched Thor tonight with my sister Kaylin, which was freaking awesome and I canNOT wait for the Avengers/like 3 other movies this coming year. I'll use this opportunity to throw a line out there for a TV show a few of my roommates and I have become hooked on: Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes. Its on DisneyXD, but its one of the best TV shows I've ever seen. Very well written, great voice acting, great fun. Anyway... one part in particular hit me in the chest with goosebumps. There is a scene where Thor is thought to be dead, BUT THEN his hammer comes zooming out of nowhere. He snatches it out of the air and becomes the straight BA he was meant to be. For whatever reason that spoke to me, as do many moments like that in good stories. He was dangerous, he was important, he had a role to play, he was strong. All traits I feel like all doods would enjoy. I've read before I have a role to play, that I'm important just as everyone is important in the Kingdom of God, but I suppose I do not yet feel it. Either way, I know its an opportunity to meet God. One way or another, down the line the root of that desire will be met in Him, whatever it is.

I am glad I started writing. I don't know what will come of it, but I suppose thats the fun part. I read this today and liked it, so I thought I'd share.

14 For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, 
15 from whom every family in Heaven and on earth derives its name, 
16 that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man,
17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 
18 may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, 
19 and to know the love of Christ which surpasses all knowledge, that you may be filled up to the fullness of God.
-Ephesians 3:14-19

Pretty tight.

Oh and just in case you want some entertainment, here is what I did for New Years... https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=2704284058838