Muted

Drinking deeply!

Getting back into school has been hard. Assignments and readings haven't piled high yet, but all of my classes heavily encourage group discussion. And that scares the crap out of me. Sometimes I muster up the courage to say something and attempt to contribute, but its always through my pulse beating faster than 500 bpm and sweaty palms. It scares me, and its frustrating. I know I have something to contribute, a different view on the subjects we discuss in class, but regardless I am scared. I've sat with God in that, in the hardness of that fear. Grace has been subtle but very existent. I see now thats its more of the same. I know I'm not worthless, but it is not what I believe. It is not what I live from. I was writing an assignment yesterday and found myself, much in the same way I approached the blog in the past, very afraid to say something because I was afraid the teacher would say "well thats dumb." I was afraid she'd read my paper and ask me about it and furthermore be afraid I'd be unable to back up what I said on the spot. Not knowing the answers is hard, but it is a great place to be loved by God. In the same way I suppose I'm afraid of that reaction from peers or a teacher in class. That I would say something, it be refuted, and consequently I look like a fool. It sucks. I know now its all deeper than these interactions within school. I'm always afraid to put my true self out there, to really say whats on my mind. I think I grew up believing my true self wasn't good enough, that it was worthless, and that has driven me into hiding. So I sit in class with my mouth glued shut, I sit in a room of new people and barely venture out of my hole, I merely survive. I've met God a lot in this. I'm not nearly as afraid or cautious to be myself around others, but I think the belief that I'm worthless still clings deep down. Failure, being wrong, not being good enough, whatever happened before I met Jesus led me to believe I was exactly that: worthless. I'm in a great place though. I'm being rescued from this. I've been invited into the wonderful opportunity to be loved by a God who cares in the midst of struggles like this. I don't really know what to expect here when He says "I've come to set free the captives" or whatever, but I know it is good. And I know that is His promise.

"And the book of the prophet Isaiah was handed to Him. And He opened the book and found the place where it was written, 'The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He annointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor. He has sent Me to proclaim release to the captives, and recovery of sight to the blind, to set free those who are oppressed, to proclaim the favorable year of the Lord.'"
Luke 4: 17-19

That is an awesome promise.

I watched "We Bought A Zoo" the other night with some of my buddies, and it was pretty awesome. I really liked one part of it specifically. Throughout the movie Matt Damon's character talks about only needing 20 seconds of courage. At the end of the movie he relates a story to his kids about meeting his wife/their mom and its something like this: "I was walking by a coffee shop and stopped dead in front of the window, completely stunned by the beautiful woman sitting on the other side of that window. I walked on and stopped at the door past the window and reminded myself, it only takes 20 seconds of courage. So I mustered up to start that 20 seconds and marched in. A few seconds more had gone by and I was running out of time. Then I walked up, and I spoke to her, totally out of the blue." It was a pretty cool story. Only 20 seconds of courage. I know eventually I'll have been loved well enough by God to the point where I won't be so afraid to voice my opinion in class. Maybe there will even be a point down the line, maybe even sooner than later, where I won't be afraid at all. But until then, its a neat way to find courage. Besides, thats not what its all about anyway. Using God for freedom and a destroyer against fear is missing the point. Freedom will come, fear will disappate, He will fulfill what He's promised, but the true prize is communion with God. Getting to know the greatest and most beautiful mystery in existence, that is what matters.