Out the door

I journal every day. Sometimes I journal a few times a day. I suppose its how I pray, or at least how I spend time with God. My buddy Mr. Jon O and I caught up at length today, and he suggested to me to make a blog of good stories. I figured since I journal anyway I might as well write a few blog posts to share. We both agreed people, most Christians really, aren't aware of the vast opportunities God waits for us in life. Whether its to be loved well, to know Him better, to find true freedom, we have really no idea what it looks like to encounter Jesus as the person He is. I've been invited onto an epic life journey with Jesus through Mr. Jon O, and I've encountered God in ways that are honestly just the type of thing you have to experience for yourself. I've been invited into something wonderful. But I'm afraid of sharing that with others. I'm always in fear of what people will think of me. I am always tip-toeing around, "surviving" as Mr. Jon O calls it instead of living free. So much of what I do, what I say, how I live is chained and held back by fear. By grace, I understand the fear a bit. Its a result of my story. Even as I write this now, I go back to edit and change what I've said because I'm scared what I'm writing won't be good enough. I'm worrying about whether or not someone will read this and say "this is stupid!". I'm worried what I say, who I am will be rejected. Thats my honest fear. I live from it every day. So I'll try something. I won't look back to change what I've said. I'll just type my whats on my heart and see what happens. I don't even know if I've really been completing a thought. Whatever. I'm writing this blog to share with others how I've experienced God in my life, because I know any one else can experience the same thing if they know they have that opportunity. So I'll share some of my favorite stories since I've started walking with Jesus.

The first story that comes to mind involves a summer staff friend from Castaway. Many of my greatest stories actually involve Castaway friends. I'll admit, I am a little scared to share this one, because I worry about what she will think of it if she ever reads it. Basically, I had a crush on my friend during summer staff, and the feelings were mutual. It didn't last this way for long. I clung and clawed to try and make it work, but it was not meant to. I know now the reason I hung on so tightly is because of the shadow of what a pretty girl liking me meant to me. It meant something to me that someone I enjoyed so much enjoyed me so much. It was counter to the lies I have believed my whole life that I am not good enough, that I was unworthy, or insert negative self perception. That not working out initially lead me to believe every bit of those lies again. It was hard for me, and I had no idea that the way I was feeling was not because of her. Those feelings, the self doubt had existed long before I had ever met her.  Anyway... I had already bought a plane ticket to visit her way before it ended up not working out. I had a decision to make: visit her and risk it being really weird and awkward or waste $200. I prayed about it, talked to friends, and listened to my heart. I decided to go. It was an incredibly hard weekend for me. I was beating myself to hell the whole weekend, and it did nothing to help my self confidence around a completely new set of people. It wasn't the worst thing in the world. There were moments I really enjoyed, but I was in terrible pain and fear. I was hanging out with her and all of her friends and I just felt like a bump on a log. I was not being myself, I was hardly talking, and I just felt terrible. I cried and cried out to God when I had time with Him. He waited awhile. He let me sit in that familiar place of pain. It was my story replaying itself. I believed I was a piece of crap as a result of what happened with her, but really I had believed that my entire life. The last night I was there I was really fed up with the way I was feeling. I was angry because I was in so much pain. At one moment I decided to steal away and hit up Mr. Jon O. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I remember crying harder than I had since I can remember. It was so terribly hard for me, and my heart needed to cry. I'm very thankful Mr. Jon O was there to lend an ear when I needed it. God's timing fasho. I remember being assured God waited to love me in this terrible place. While I was still on the phone, still sort of crying, she called me. She asked if I was okay and I lied my ass off and said I was. Luckily she was kind and compassionate enough to txt me a few seconds later to make sure. I think it was a pretty obvious lie, I probably sounded like I had been crying. The second time, I took her up on the offer of friendship and said I wasn't okay. She asked if I wanted to talk, and I said yes. I don't remember the full conversation. I remember not knowing what or how to say or what I wanted to say for awhile, but she sat and waited. Finally, between sniffles (in fact I remember exclaiming how I'd never cried in front of a girl before), I told her how difficult the weekend had been for me. The part I do remember was her response. I don't know whether or not what she said to me was her or God speaking through her or whatever. I don't know who to credit it to, but I don't think it matters. I think they both genuinely felt what she spoke. She said I was the most genuine person she had ever met. She said she lost track of the amount of girls that were friends of hers that had said I was cute (I don't care if its shallow, it meant a lot to me). She said something along the lines that I was an amazing person and that the world should know me. I just remember the paraphrased version, but the exact words themselves don't matter as much as what they meant to me. We sat outside a bit longer as I dried my eyes, and then a miracle happened. Instantly, I was 100% my joyful, outgoing self around everyone I talked to. I met most of the people I interacted with that night for the first time that night or a few days prior, but I felt like I was best friends with everyone. None of my fears mattered anymore. All of the lies I believe even today to a degree had been destroyed by what she said to me. I felt myself for the first time all weekend, and I freaking loved it. I had a blast just being me. I remember driving home screaming at the top of my lungs out of joy as I thought over the weekend. I did not know what else to do. God had rescued me and loved me so beautifully. I felt more loved than I ever had in my entire life. It was my version of the captivity in Egypt or whatever story it was in the Bible where Moses leads the Israelites out of Egypt and parts the Red Sea. My Red Sea had been parted. I had been rescued and loved so well. I always look to that story to remind myself in times of hardship and pain that God will be faithful as He had been before. He will be God. There is much more to the story, but primarily it marked the first time I had felt so incredibly loved in a span of time I have been loved well by God. From it, I was not free from the fear, pain, and shame from believing I was a piece of crap. But at the least, I drank deeply from the well of Jesus. I'm on the journey for freedom, but thats not the true prize. Meeting God like I had then is my true heart's desire.

Since this whole post is a load of boring black and white txt, I'll share a beautiful sunset God painted in Colorado.

I don't think anyone is currently reading my blog at the moment. This is the hard part. If I want to share, I have to actually share the blog on Facebook or Twitter. That puts me in a place where I will be afraid, afraid of what people will think of what I say. Now I have to decide whether or not to put it up. Either way, I should write these earlier. I have to get up and work tomorrow morning. I am a terrible night owl.

At this moment right now, I'm listening to the song "The Return of the King" from the Lord of the Rings soundtrack. It reminds me of a quote Bilbo says in the Fellowship of the Ring. I didn't remember the quote exactly, so I looked it up:

Bilbo Baggins: "It's a dangerous business, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no telling where you might be swept off to."

I freaking love The Lord of the Rings.