'Mark'ing down the simple things. #pun

A sunset over Castaway. One of my favorites.

I haven't written in awhile, mostly because I've felt like a total failure. I know I'm not, I've had too many friends and God Himself tell me otherwise, but I still feel like one. Thats been frustrating, knowing that what I feel is a lie but feeling powerless to accept it. I know in my mind I'm okay, that I'm not a failure, but my heart does not believe it. Grace is happening though, however slowly. Its an incredibly weird concept to "know God". I was talking to a friend, Mr. Jon O, and he reminded me what he's told me many times before. When you're thirsty, you take a drink of water. You don't know how it necessarily works or care, you just drink it. You don't ask the drink of water how it'll help you, you just drink it. Jesus is very much the same way. Its a lot like being saved in the first place. You're not sure how being saved happens except that you accept a gift. You believe, and it is so. So when I'm struggling, when I'm in pain, when I'm feeling like a piece of crap, I can go to Jesus and say "Yuuhhhhh, I am thirsty." And in some mysterious way grace happens. I'm not even really sure what grace looks like half the time, but I think lately its been realizing how deep the pain of failure really is. Realizing that and realizing that God cares. He cares and wants to love me there. Its that freakin simple, to say yes to His offer of life, yet it still can be so difficult. Most of the times I'd like answers, solutions to problems, but Jesus offers Himself. Thankfully, thats far, far better.  The last 2 days specificallly I've struggled with not having answers. There is still so much I do not know. I think I've come to know a lot, but there is still so much that I don't. And thats hard for me, especially with a world that demands answers. I talked to a professor after class yesterday and she told me to think about these questions: "Why doesn't Younglife give condoms to kids?" "Why doesn't Younglife pair up with a Jewish and/or Muslim organization to help kids?" And those answers aren't that difficult, but the hard part was that I didn't know how to explain to her that Christianity isn't like the rest of the world's religions. Its not a set of rules or guidelines on which to perform by, its about getting to know an actual person, Jesus. I didn't know how to tell her that, and even if I had a hunch I was afraid of telling her and being wrong. I was afraid she, or anyone who I have this conversation with, would think I was wrong, furthermore thinking I was dumb, furthermore ultimately thinking I wasn't worth anything. I suppose it's the fear of failure and from that failure the feeling of worthlessness. Its the deepest, darkest fear that enslaves me. And I think that in itself was grace, realizing that regardless of the fact that I know I'm not those things that I still feel that way and that God cares about that. He waits to love me in the way I feel, even if I know its not true. I guess deep down I still believe I'm a failure, that I'm worthless. I've believed it my whole life underneath the surface, and its not a lie the devil will let me free from easily. But I know God is freeing me from it. I know He is drawing me intimately closer, however slowly it may seem to me. He will not let that belief stand because I also believe He is my Father and that He is far greater and more generous than that. It'll be a battle, and I will fight alongside Him to truly accept it. But I am not alone. He will not abandon me. He will be faithful. It will be hard. I will probably be scared to go to class for awhile, because there are always group discussions. I'll probably be in situations where I am afraid. But He is with me, and He is loving me. And that is good.

37 On the last and greatest day of the feast, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, "If anyone is thirsty let him come to me and drink.
38 Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him."
-John 7: 37-38

I want to get in on that.

Texas A&M has this great thing every Tuesday night called Breakaway. Thousands of college students meet in our basketball arena and there is worship and a talk by local legend Ben Stuart. He had a daughter  3 months ago or so, and last night he brought her out on stage. He was told by a friend to view his relationship with his daughter the way his relationship is with God. What he said about that was pretty awesome, and I'd be doing it an injustice by trying to imitate it. But if you have the time and want to listen to something great, check it out for yourself. The podcast isn't up yet, but go to this link. http://breakawayministries.org/resources Click on podcasts and it should be at the top once they load it up. The date will be Tuesday 1/17/12. If you have the time, I think its worth your time.

If not, I've thought about the same thing before with people I love. It reminds me of my sisters. I care about what they do because I want them to be happy, but it does not effect whether or not I still love and enjoy them. If they were to upset me it would be because of my own insecurities, my own fears or hurts. I don't love and enjoy them because they act good or because they can give me something, I do because I love and enjoy who they are. Their humor, their laugh, their little quircks, their personality, what makes them to be them. I love them for who they are, their hearts. I love hanging out with them. In the same way, Jesus loves us. He doesn't need anything from us, acting differently or better will not give Him anything. He wants the best for us, so He advises us not to do the things that hurt us. But He loves because He sees our personality, He hears our laughter, He enjoys our quircks. He delights in our happiness, in our well-being, in spending time with us. That is very comforting. The only ball in our court is to say "Yes Jesus, I am thirsty. I want a drink." And He says "I gotchu, remember John 7?" Or something like that.