An old dirt road

My roommates and I love playing disc golf.
We got a nice treat around hole 16.

I've struggled greatly since I last wrote, but there has been a great deal of grace and a great deal of freedom. For the first time ever I'm learning to accept how God truly sees me. Here's a good story... I played basketball the other night with my roommates and a few buddies. I started to play terribly, turning the ball over, choosing to take wild shots, and I began to dwell on it. I responded to it with shame. I let it define me as I always have. I felt like I could do nothing but fail, and I felt terrible. Playing basketball was a little microcosm of my every day life. Every time I run into failure I always accept it as the definition of who I am. But its different now. God has told me Himself, "My son, you are doing just fine. My son, I am proud of you." The only person not okay with me is me. God's okay with me turning the ball over, but I was not okay with it. I didn't really have much time to sort out my thoughts as I played, too much was happening. But I thought to myself "I don't have to succumb to shame. I dont' have to lie here in this ditch. I can fight" So I rejected it. For no other explanation I can give but the grace of God, I rejected the shame. I may have messed up, but thats okay. God still loves me. He's proud of me, so why dwell on it? So I did just that. I brushed the dirt off my shoulders. I kept playing. It made the game a LOT more fun. It became about enjoying a nice game of basketball with my friends, not about winning to prove myself. For the moment it was a huge burden lifted, and I have God to thank for that. There have been moments like that the whole past week, and even today I've had to fight off accepting what I know to be a lie. The truth is: God is okay with me, so I can be okay with me. But it is a continual battle in accepting that. Old habits die hard. Regardless, it is freedom. Today I went to class and was myself. I had no fear in answering questions in front of everyone, no fear of being seen as an idiot, no fear of being seen as a failure. My heart beat even stayed at a normal rate. I wasn't afraid. I knew God was okay with me, and thats all that mattered. I answered at least 3 questions, and they were solid answers. I even bantered a little with the professor, which was great fun. I didn't realize how big of a deal that was for me until way later in the day. It was a great victory because I had accepted God's love for me. It freed me from the fear of other's opinions or my own. It felt great to be me. The freedom is great, but honestly I hardly even really recognized it because of how deeply I was wanting something more. I realize now more than ever that a relationship with Jesus is not just about freedom. Freedom is the byproduct, the bonus plan. The real prize is communion, and thats what I was wanting so badly. The last two days I've been tired from what I've felt like has been a war within myself to accept Jesus. I found myself longing for more but not really knowing what it was I wanted. It was so deep that I hardly even recognized how much I enjoyed the freedom. I've experienced Jesus before intimately and nothing, not even freedom from something I've dealt with my whole life, compares to the joy, the peace, the comfort, the freaking awesomeness that comes with having a moment with Him. It made me think of how the disciples could literally walk next to Jesus, how they could talk to Him face to face, how they could sit down around a camp fire with Him and just spend time with Him. I longed to walk next to Jesus down a dirt road, to be with someone who loves me deeply and who wants to hear everything I have to say. The image of that has floated on my mind all day. The freedom is great, and I am thankful for it. And honestly, it is something I think I will have to continue to fight for for awhile. But what I really want, what I really need is that intimacy with my Father. All I could think to say when I prayed in my car today was "I miss You, Jesus." I know He hasn't gone anywhere, but for whatever reason I suppose it feels like He has. Its as if He threw me a sword and shield with that moment of affirmation, and now He let me walk into a valley to show me that I have the heart and courage to fight my way out of it. Now that I've seen what it looks like to fight for my heart and that I am joining that fight, I'd really like to just get a nice big hug from Him. Its like there are two different levels of where I'm at right now. The first level is the fact that it is truly up to me to fight to accept that God loves me. He can't force that upon me. Its up to me. But on another level, He waits to walk next to me on that dirt road. He wants to hear about my day, about the hardness of life. I'm walking through life with Another, and thats why Jesus is so great. I know the semester will be full of fighting for my heart. It won't be easy, and I know I'll trip and fall. But I'm on the path to freedom, and more importantly I'm on the path with Jesus. Its not about where I'm going, its about who I'm with. I'm with the Best there is.

Total side note... If you haven't gone to see Beauty and the Beast in 3D then I highly suggest it. I went and saw it with some of my Wyldlife team (shout out!) today. It may sound cheesey, but I was enchanted by Belle's character and the story. The music was great too. Gotta love old school disney, gotta love yellow dresses.