I hate saying things that others may not want to hear. It is truly terrifying, whether it's confronting a friend, telling someone no, or telling someone they have hurt me. Somehow I think I have always disposed to simply keep it to myself, hiding behind the curtain, looking out at the world, wanting to go out and play in it but too damn scared get off my butt. It's no wonder that video games like World of Warcraft warranted so much of my attention growing up. My heart longed for the adventure I was too terrified to experience. I was safe in front of my computer screen. I could be anyone, and I could be awesome at it too. Not so much all of the time in real life. In real life I'm human, and I need a shepherd.
Does anyone else think being single can be incredibly awkward? Every conversation or interaction I have with a girl is managed through my own personal lens of, "Crap! Did I just send a signal out that I didn't want to?" or "Wait, what did she mean by that?" or "I better not be too nice, because then she'll think I like her." Very little of my time has been spent enjoying relationships I have, and very much of my time has been spent managing what I'm "saying" by what I do and say. It's like I'm trying to say things or not say things without actually just saying them. That's exhausting! And it's stupid! I know I'm not the only one who does it. I think a lot of people are a lot better at having authentic relationships than I am, but I also know I'm not the only "manager" of relationships. So I'll just be the first to say it (or at least maybe the first time I've been willing to admit it haha). Relationships are hard, and they are awkward, whether it's with the girl behind the counter at the coffee shop or someone in the group of friends you run with. People are always saying things, teasing, probing, assuming, and blah blah. If I'm at school and I talk to a female teacher, to my students it basically means that I am dating them. They walk up and make googly eyes and say things like, "Get some!" or "Oooooooo!!" They'll ask me, "Ooooo you like Ms. So and So don't you mister?" I mean I'm not asking for people to stop teasing or probing or whatever. That's what people do. They're not trying to be mean or annoying. They probably care and want to see you find some happiness.
I think I'm pretty terrible at having honest conversations with people. I mean to actually walk around like Jesus did with such brutal honesty that is insane! I love these stories of his honesty and find encouragement in them to be a person who says the honest truth, whether it's awkward, difficult, or terrifying to say.
21 From that time Jesus began to show his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things from the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and on the third day be raised.22 And Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him, saying, “Far be it from you, Lord![e] This shall never happen to you.”23 But he turned and said to Peter,“Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance[f] to me. For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.”
Matthew 16: 21-23
Jesus straight up calls Peter, "Satan!" He confronted Peter. He wasn't afraid to call him out for where he was wrong. Unless it is a child in my classroom, it is very scary for me to look at someone and say, "Hey man, I think you're wrong here. You need to think about that again."
I have to pause here to say that I may not even post this. About this far into a post my insecurity starts to seep in. My fingers are a little cold, so I'm not typing vey well. And I feel like my writing isn't as crafty as I've done in the past. I could polish it up and then make a post, but I wouldn't really be posting the "me" that IS the rough draft of my heart in a tough season, a season where relationships are difficult and require bravery and sacrifice.
I can't say if this post will be one where people will enjoy what I have to say. It may just be a random hodgepodge of thoughts and confusing statements. But I suppose I can post it anyway. Because the real reason I'm writing isn't because I'm looking for approval of what any reader may say. I'm not looking to be "right" about whatever it is I say. There is no Life in either of those things. People have "approved" of my writing before, and that has done nothing for the holes in my heart. People have "agreed" with my writing before, and that also does nothing for the holes in my heart. I think Jesus is calling me to honesty and authenticity because that is where He is, and I don't know what I can say about what He wants for me other than that He is continually waiting for me in the scary, awkward, and uncomfortable places I'd rather hide behind the curtain than face.
So this is my rough draft. On all of my other posts, I went back and changed sentence structures. I went back and thought of different ways to say things. I polished what I had to say. None of that this evening!
My prayer for this is for this practice to be in person and not just a blog, not just me sitting in front of a computer screen sharing my heart, but jump into the world like Jesus does.
Also, here is a picture of my new tarantula that I have many affections for.
And here is a picture of JJ Watt in a sweater because I have awesome students and parents who knit things for my class pets. Also here is a lovely pig named Applesauce. She is very sweet and oinks when you pet her. No she is not my new class pet (unfortunately). She belongs to another.
Howdy! Today at Sojourn, a pastor who is living in Houston with us who hopes to plant a church in Italy, spoke from the passage of Isaiah 61:10-11. 10 I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. 11 11 For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations. Isaiah 61:10-11 What stuck with me the most from the sermon was what he shared with us from a CS Lewis quote from his book, The Weight of Glory.
“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”
After our gathering, my parish went out to eat, and we spoke with each other about our own "mud pies", the way we half-heartedly settle for life in the face of Isaiah's claim to "delight greatly in the Lord." I've probably read the passage, heard the quote from CS Lewis, agreed with it and moved on multiple times before, but today, I was unable to shake it. I couldn't help but agree that there are so many areas in my life where I "settle." Settling for me has looked like a great many things. Sometimes it's busyness in work. Sometimes it's Netflix, Clash of Clans, or reading comics. This is not to say I should stop doing all of these things, but I think in my heart I know when I'm using those things to hide from the scary unknown of engaging people in relationship.
Having taught in a public school classroom now for about 2 and a half years, I've walked through failure, despair, and heartache enough with God to see how He would use even those situations to show up strong and bring joy to me and to those around me. It's to the point now where I can get up in the morning, have no desire to leave my warm bed and yet say to myself, "God, I'll walk through today with You. Despite my expectations for this day, what would you have for me?" And more often than not, it doesn't mean that I get to avoid the places I'm afraid of, the trial and error of working with kids and doing relationships with people, but I can at least choose Jesus Christ's love to be enough in the midst of them.
Something said often by the leaders of our church is of their desire for us to be a place of smaller communities where people are known, the scary, unnerving kind of "being known" where you'd rather sink back into the shadows rather than risk your skin. Over time and thanks to invitations like this from this pastor and Jesus Christ, I think there is a kind of bravery we can find. It's not a guarantee that we will not walk through that which we fear but that we can walk through those places with Jesus Christ and give Him the chance for His love to be enough.
Failure doesn't phase me as much as it did in the classroom because of this. I hope that one day, rejection and disappointment in relationships or any place in life will not either, because I'll have had the chance to see God's love BE enough even in their presence. I think that's the adventure our hearts long for.
I'm encouraged by the conversations I had today and of the many others that were brave enough to share their mud pies and to slow down and consider their hearts over a meal. Without that and this sort of hope, I doubt I'd even have the bravery to share the walk I'm on here with anyone who's interested in reading this post. If this resonates with you at all, come talk to me.
Also, here's some recent awesome pictures from life lately.
A pic I love of my parents and I.
R2 the rat.
A sneak peak of what a select group of exceptional science students will get to do on our Health Museum Field Trip.
My cheek cells.
A fantastic slide prepared by a group of my students observing "budding" in yeast cells in studying asexual reproduction. So cool! Anytime you see a smaller cell coming off of a larger one, you can see the cells budding.
People often commend me for my efforts as a teacher. People say, "Man I couldn't do what you do! Man you must be so patient!" It's nice, but I have to admit, I hide behind it. It's easy to.
Kid in class checking out the Circulatory System of a goldfish under a microscope. You can actually see the blood moving in the capillaries! So cool!
When I was about 5 years old, I remember sitting in church while we were praying. I asked God, "God, I want to be a power ranger." I even remember where I sat, near the back on the bottom floor. Its kind of hilarious, the things little kids pray for, but I think that's my heart's prayer even today more often than I realize. I was a soft hearted kid, easily beat up by what neighborhood kids would say about me and easily offended. From the get-go, I decided being a power ranger would work for me, that it was who I needed to be in life to stay safe and be okay. If you're strong, if you're noble, if you're a good guy, people won't hurt you... right? It's highly logical in the eyes of a child. In the stories, heroes have friends and everything works out in the end.
Our kiddos at HoggWyld playing "bigger or better."
Flash forward twenty years... I love super hero comics, Master Chief, Star Wars, etc. A hero is strong, self-sacrificial, noble, something people can look up to, and I spend most of my waking moments trying to be that. My efforts have been generously thwarted by God many times, as He knew I was performing for others out of a dire need in my own heart, a desperate need to find refuge in an incredibly difficult world, a world where we are not for others what we need SOMEONE to be, a world where disappointment, despair, anger, and frustration runs rampant. It was never God's plan for me to save myself, and it took Him awhile to show me that I was trying to.
My kiddos in class playing a game to get them out of breath to talk about the Respiratory System
All I can say after trying to be the hero for so long is that it is not satisfying. It is still a lonely place, and every day you have to wake up and be that hero again. Even if you are, you are not exempt from the pains and trials of life, contrary to the lie I wove for myself at a young age. A happy ending does not come from being a good man. And how may times do we hear in church, "You are saved by grace alone"? I knew that intellectually, but what I did not realize until recently, buried under the weight of a great many responsibilities in school, ministry, and life in general, is that there is no Life in being your own hero. Others may benefit nonetheless, and that's great, but I believe God has more to offer than that life.
I'm beginning to think that God would say, "Lay down that identity at my feet. You don't have to walk this road alone. You don't have to shoulder the burden alone. Let me be your Hero." Its complicated, because there's no way I'm going to show up completely underprepared for school tomorrow or not try and help my kids who are signed up to travel to NYC and DC raise money for their trip. Those are my commitments, but it has given me the grace to decline coaching basketball this season, to be okay with saying no to commitments, and really the grace to CHOOSE Jesus Christ as my Hero, to let Him be God in a world that needs far more than any human hero can offer.
If my life were easier, if I kids in my classroom who were saying, "Woah, Mr. Mark! You're awesome! I'm going to sit quietly, not play around, and learn everything you teach to me!" then I would not have been worn down enough to meet God here. I would not be so tired at the thought of continuing to do what I do every day from my own strength. God has driven me into the desert to address the needs of my heart, for Him to say, "You who are thirsty, come to me and drink." I wouldn't even have known I was thirsty in the first place!
All that to say, I do still need to revisit my lesson planned for tomorrow, because part of being a teacher is knowing that what you planned probably needs to be changed based on where your kids are at as opposed to where you expected them to be. I still need to write a warm-up for tomorrow. Bleh! And honestly, even though God has worn me down to a place of needing His love, I still love my job. I love seeing kids enjoy themselves and the other leaders at HoggWyld where they normally would rarely enjoy such connections. I love getting to be in the struggle with them every day at school.
And I don't think the solution is to say, "All right. I hide behind my noble efforts, so I will stop trying." I think Jesus would rather say, "Choose me here. Let me be your Hero." And that is an adventure in itself. I don't know how God would love me in this place. I don't know what the "drink" will look like for my thirsty soul. But I am willing to choose it because I'm willing to believe it will be better than "trying harder" and better than "giving up to bitterness." And who knows what it would look like to show up as a teacher instead of from a needy place, from a place that I have received greatly and generously from Jesus Christ, time and time again?
The journey continues. And regardless of what that means for me and my relationship with Jesus Christ, I am still incredibly excited to see the new Star Wars in 59 days with my nerd friends on opening night. Watch this trailer if you have not. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGbxmsDFVnE
There is something magical and mythical about it. When Han Solo exclaims, "It's true. All of it. The Dark Side. The Jedi. They're real." I can't help but think about our world and the epicness of who Jesus Christ truly is. You could easily say, "It's true. All of it. The great enemy of our Father, Jesus Christ and His plan for our good. They're real."
Also, my pastor at Sojourn, Brandon Barker, pointed out to the whole congregation on Sunday that we as a church tend to hide in plain site. We show up, enjoy the service, go to parish, and we hide behind our smiles. I do it too. And as the journey continues, I don't think the opportunity for us as Christians is to only say, "Well, stop hiding!" I think we can also say, "Jesus Christ, I am hiding because I am a scared, broken, and hurting person. And I am choosing Your Life and Your Love here."
A few weeks ago I was charged with the task of pairing up with a fellow teacher on giving a presentation on inquiry-based learning for our staff. Immediately when I read the email and its directive, my heart felt like it would if the teacher called on you in class and you didn't know the answer. It's kind of like, "Oh crap!"
I love inquiry-based learning, but I am still new too it. I'm not an expert, and I've only been teaching for a year. And honestly, most of the year, I didn't know what I was doing! I learned a ton of course, but most of my trial and error was necessary, grueling, and life-defeating error. So is the life of one who works with kids. Anyway, once again, as I've found myself many times before in life, I do not know the answer.
Don't we all feel like this some days?
I set out to fix this. I did a bunch of research online about other people's research about inquiry-based learning. I familiarized myself with it's basic concepts, on top of the ones I already knew, and I strove to learn as much as I could as to not be seen in front of my peers as someone without the answer. Sure I want to give a good presentation for their benefit and the benefit of our kids, but I think I was also working out of the fear of my own exposure. I didn't want to be known as that failure.
I called a friend and explained my predicament. He asks me, "What is inquiry-based learning?" I explain to him, "Well, it's kind of like learning by experience. You want to solve a question, a problem, or a scenario, and to do that, you have to learn about the dynamics of the situation. By giving kids this problem, you drive their learning by research, group work, experimentation, and presentation of ideas. You don't give them the answer. They find out for themselves because there is a purpose for their learning: solving the problem!"
Or at least... I said something like that...
Anyway, I explained to him how hard it is for me to be in front of a crowd, how I felt more unprepared because I didn't know the subject as well as I wanted, and even more unprepared because I've only taught for a year and sort of tutored another. He stopped me and said, "You know what? God is giving you an inquiry-based learning experience right now!"
It was hilarious. Here I am freaking out over how to make this presentation work, and God is giving me an experience where I get to learn how to walk through a situation where I do not know the answer, where I am not the most qualified, where I am not "the expert." Inevitably, we come across these situations in life, and unfortunately, I know I have spent much of my life trying to avoid them. I could read in the Bible or hear from another about how they responded to that sort of situation, but here God is giving me the experience. He's teaching me like I'm trying to teach my kids.
I've always loved the brutal honesty of Jesus. He provokes Pharisees, pushing their buttons, knowing how fake they are with their lofty prayers, generous offerings in public, rule following, etc. I believe He invites us out of our masks, out of trying to be someone we're not. It takes great courage to say, "Hey, I'm not what I'm afraid everyone thinks I should be." Because honestly, I'm not. Most of us are not, I think. I wonder how often we think everyone else is totally sane and that we're the only person who is losing their mind.
Anyway, I believe God is inviting me to be honest about my struggle here, and my hope is that others can join me in that honesty in life. We spend far, far too much struggling, fighting, clawing to keep up the facade, and with our job, as teachers and just being human beings, already being so difficult, that's just something we should not have to do! Don't we have a hard enough time already trying to navigate awkward social situations, trying not to step on peoples toes, trying to love our fellow man, and whatever else without judgement and death?
And I hope that could be the same in my life with anything, with family, with WyldLife, with church, friends, anything. I hope to have the courage to say stuff like this in my every day life, not just behind my computer screen, but when doing ministry with my teammates, when walking the halls at school, when eating dinner with church friends, wherever. It's terrifying, but I believe it is worth it.
Here's to another year of teaching middle schoolers, inviting kids to meet Jesus Christ, and enjoying life with friends and family!
It's that time of the year again. Young Life leaders and kids are gearing up to raise money for the cost of summer camp. Unfortunately it's a hefty price to pay, but fortunately God is always gracious in providing the funds we need. Thankfully, He's in charge. With that being said, here is some info about camp and how you, if you'd like, can be a part of an eternal difference in the lives of middle school kiddos.
Here's some info about camp
Cost:
$200 per kid
When:
June 21-25
Why:
We want kids to go because its an amazing opportunity for them to meet Jesus and find salvation for eternity. Camp also has amazing food and is all around blast to go to.
Where:
Camp Buckner in Burnett, Texas
A bit about fundraising:
We don't believe in our kids just receiving money for the heck of it. We want them to have a sense of ownership for the money that we raise. We want it to be an adventure together in raising the money, not just us giving them handouts. With that being said, our kids ventured up to the school this past Saturday at 9 am in the morning to work for their camp money. They scrubbed doors, emptied out recycling bins, and cleaned the whole back parking lot. They were awesome!
Camp really is the experience of a life time for many of the kids. If you'd like to donate, all we ask for is $20. It's a small amount, but our intent is to ask far and wide for as many people as we can. It'll add up, and God will provide.
$25 of the amount raised will also go to a friend's Young Life support effort for Baton Rouge YL. Shout out to Mr. Jon O and his efforts to raise money for his kiddos!
Thanks and God bless!
Donate at this link here via PayPal or Credit/Debit card!
I haven't written in a long time. I still feel like I haven't gotten my act together, and as such, it leads me to believe I don't really have a whole lot to say. I left off with life as a teacher eating my lunch. Kids didn't care, they didn't listen, and I did not know what to do about it. I have learned a great deal about being a teacher and a WyldLife leader, but it is still quite the struggle.
A great story...
Who doesn't love a little Super Smash Bro's Brawl before club?
Thankfully, however, there have been some great stories to be thankful for. One involves a student of mine who I struggled with mightily. He would do absolutely nothing in class, he would snap at me when I got on to him, and he just didn't seem to care about life at all. A parent-teacher conference yielded no results. I had spoken to his other teachers, to my administrators, and nothing seemed to work. I was so frustrated, and I didn't have any idea what to do. I reached out and asked for prayers from friends, church, and from YL committee without thinking much of it. God showed up anyway.
Sometimes after school I go play basketball with some of my students. This kid happened to be there, and he happened to be on my team. I played like normal, not really expecting anything great to come from it. I'd pass him the ball, try to give him chances to score, to include him, and all of the sudden, he was a different kid. The kid I struggled with the most in class was doing his work and talking with me. He wasn't a genius overnight, but he was trying. He cared. It was sweet to be a part of that.
The difficulty of depravity...
Our Hermann Park Day, one of the best parks in H-Town.
#RPTS
It was a great story, but I so easily forget stories like that when I'm immersed in lives of hundreds of other kids who so desperately need stories like that. There are so many darn kids there, and each one comes with a life story full of heartbreaks and reasons to curl up into a ball and despair. You don't leave it behind when you leave work either. You get home and it lingers. Most days I get home and it's all I think about. Selfishly, I make it about me, beating myself up for my inabilities or shortcomings or whatever. There is so much freaking need there, and it owns me. Even when you make a huge difference in one life, and it's really awesome, you can't help but think, "what about the rest of the kids?" It's like a sinking ship. There are more holes than you know what to do with. You plug up one hole, or at least you think you do, and you turn around with a sinking feeling in your heart as you realize it was just one of many. I don't even really like that analogy, because people are so much more than holes to be plugged. They're people, with hopes and dreams, heartaches and disappointments, and so much more. Honestly, it's so difficult to walk out of there with a light heart. Many days I walk out doubting my faith and my assurance in God and His goodness and His faithfulness and anything that brings my heart peace and security.
So many of the students start out at a place like the kid I mentioned in that story. They need so much, and I just don't have it. I've spent most of my time trying to have what is needed, motivating myself to be better with blame and shame and anger, but that never works. It just makes things worse. I've made my life in the school all about me, about what I can or can't do, and I've completely forgotten that maybe what really matters is what God can do. And that can be such a freaking scary thought. I can't control what He will or will not do. I can't control who He'll save or will not save. I can't be God, and I'm a little scared to simply trust Him and let Him be God. It's terrifying to just walk with Him and let Him be enough instead of trying to be enough for every thing that's broken.
The struggle...
One of our club kids rockin' it on the drum set at club.
Honestly I feel like my response to my situation, as it has often been in the past, is to try and BE God. It sounds silly. I mean, I'm just a guy. Even with all of my talents and gifting, grace and patience, I'm NOT God. I think I've always wanted so badly to just be the guy who has it all together, to be the person people can turn to, to be the person with all of the answers and advice and ability, but I think God may have graciously placed me in this school, with this job, with the people I know because maybe He wants me to find something far better. He wants me to walk with Him and NOT know what to do, to walk with Him and not have the answers or the best way to do things. I mean I don't even know what that will look like. I've been trying to do things on my own in so many places I've hardly even given God the chance to show up and be Himself with me. Maybe He has graciously taken me into such an overwhelming situation, where I feel so incapable and tiny so that He can show me how big He is. Maybe then I'd finally forget about all of my shortcomings, all of my insecurities and failures. Then maybe I'd be comfortable walking with Him regardless of who I am. Maybe it's not about who we are, but who we walk with. I feel like it's a fork in the road here, where I can continue to try and do things on my own and let it kill me, or I can choose to walk with Jesus and accept the Life He would give. It reminds me of this...
What God says...
11 Now [j]suppose one of you fathers is asked by his son for a [k]fish; he will not give him a snake instead of a fish, will he?12 Or if he is asked for an egg, he will not give him a scorpion, will he?13 If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your[l]heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?” Luke 11:11-13
My kids rolling down a hill for fun on a trip to UT Austin.
You better believe I wish we were at A&M, but oh well!
For whatever reason I suppose I expect God to give me a snake when I need a fish. Maybe it is a chance for me to die to my strengths and just ask God for His gracious gifts. Sure it's terrifying if you don't know the one who holds the power to give what we need. Maybe that person isn't gracious, maybe that person will hold out on us, maybe they'll shorthand us, so why not try to make things work on our own? But I guess that's the lie rooted from the beginning, all the way back in the garden. Satan lies to Adam and Even and tells them God isn't enough. "Go ahead, eat the apple," he says. "It won't kill you. God is holding out on you." That lie has reigned in my life more than I've let my Father, and maybe it's just a good a time as any to reject that lie and ask God in spite of it, to take a leap of faith and knock on the door and see what happens. I've been so scared to ask, because I'm so scared to find out I'll be disappointed. I guess that's where courage comes in, to be willing to ask for help even when I'm scared I may not receive it.
Maybe there's another way...
SELFIES FA DAYS
From Urban Dictionary:
Selfie (noun): A picture taken of yourself that is
planned to be uploaded to the internet via Facebook or
any other social networking sight.
I've known Jesus for about 5 years now, and I've never been immersed in a community of depravity like I have been now. I guess with WyldLife at TAMU it was a little different. I wasn't with the kids all day. I didn't work at the school. Now, I'm there more often than not aside from sleeping. I feel the full brunt of how nasty life can be.
I always try to have the answers for people, to know what to do, but maybe something more valuable is to see what it may look like to be less than perfect at what you do and be on a journey to find out how great God is at what He does. Surely, He won't give us snakes when we ask for bread or fish. And that has to be where the courage comes in, to ask for what we so desperately need even when we doubt we'll receive it.
We're all so needy, and we were made to be fulfilled in spite of it. Yet, we find ourselves in a world where the one true source to find what we need is also one of the things we may doubt the most. Talk about a crazy story. I mean we look at it from the outside and we think, "bro! You need Jesus! Just turn to Him!" Yet, when we're at the center of our story, when all we can see are the brutal waves crashing down from every direction, it is so hard to just freaking turn and take God's outstretched hand.
To recap...
Tolkien, always a source of inspiration.
I know we all have our storms, the relentless waves of life that so mercilessly drown us. I hope we can find in the midst of it all the courage to reach out our hand for something we're not sure may be there, the promises of our Savior. I know I freaking need it. I can't keep my head above water on my own, and I don't see how I would ever expect to help other people out of their storms if I'm drowning in my own. I'm going to stretch out my hand there and hope for something ridiculous. I'm going to hope, as I have begun to in the past, and see if I'll find someone there, waiting for me to ask, waiting for me to choose Him.
It has been one of the most difficult years of my life, but I'm willing to bet God brought me here for a darn good reason. And I'm willing to bet it's going to only lead into my knowing Him and how great He is all the more. Only one way to find out.
Want a laugh?
If you want a decent laugh, check out a video we made for the kids on our "Birthday Club." To set up the context, the American Captain and the Manbat are two ongoing walk on characters for our club. In the video, our team is celebrating the birthday of the American Captain (the girl with the Captain America shield). The Manbat pays a visit to ensure she has a KAPOW of a birthday...
I've always thought that the point of walking with God and growing and maturing was to get to a point to where I didn't need anyone else. I tend to hide when I feel weak, and ironically (is that irony? I don't remember) I think it makes me weaker.
12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12
Leave it to Bible to say something so obviously profound and use a metaphor with a rope.
This past week at school was brutal. Many of my students have no interest whatsoever in learning math or succeeding in school, and right now I'm still figuring out what to do about that. As I usually do when I'm struggling with something, I become extremely introverted and go sit in McDonald's to think about it all (which is where I am once again). This time though, I guess I'm finally realizing what I'm doing, and I don't think it's doing me any favors.
I don't think the greatest of stories are meant to be lived by yourself. In the Lord of the Rings, no one was alone. Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas were always together, even when Aragorn tried to go under the mountain to see the Army of the Dead by himself. His friends wouldn't let him go alone. Sam almost drowned to stay with Frodo and was with him until the end. Merry and Pippin were together until separated to be with other company. They didn't walk their path alone, and I don't think anyone else should either. With that in mind, I'm blogging because I love to write about things, and I'm also choosing to talk about what is going on with people instead of letting it get me down.
Anyway, here's the situation:
There are a few major reasons these kids don't want to learn:
Summer school: They know they can just go to summer school. There they can get free breakfast, lunch, and be spend time with their friends. There's nothing for them to do at home during the summer, so why not blow off class now and go where the party is?
They may be passed anyway: The district has a habit of passing kids who don't deserve to be passed. I don't know why that keeps happening, but it is not helping. Instead of helping kids learn how to use the Pythagorean Theorem, I end up spending time teaching them how to divide or teach them what a square root is. The kids have been passed on to us before they were ready to move on, and now it creates quite a mess. They need extra time from us that we can't always afford to give. It's like the district treats students like a car that's barely running. They'll use all of the duct tape and jerry rigs they can to get it working, but they'll never truly take it apart, give it a thorough examination, and give it a real reconstruction. They just keep piling on enough duct tape to get them through. And the kids know this, so they're reaction is, "why try?"
Home life: Many of their parents don't give a crap. In turn, they don't. I have many stories of kids caught up in the worst family situations. I won't share them here, but it's sad. Their lives are being destroyed by their parents.
I've tried to make them work by being a jerk, and I did not like that. I've never been a very stern person, and I don't know why I thought bullying them with consequences would make them want to learn. The kids who usually received detention continually came back for the same reasons. It never changed their heart or made them want to actually start paying attention. It seemed pointless to me, but I kept on because I didn't know what else to do. I guess I figured I needed to be really hard, really stern, and really cold to get things done, but that's just not who I am. It wasn't natural for me. I'm considering it in a different way now.
I've thought often of how similar my situation with my students is to how we relate to God. God doesn't control us. He doesn't force us to do anything. Even though He knows better and knows that we may die because of our choices, He allows us the will to chose. If you look at the Prodigal Son story, the father in the story doesn't reprimand the kid for being disrespectful or for choosing to run away and squander everything. He lets it happen. I don't think that is weakness. I think it is confidence. I think the father was confident that his son had to make his own choices and learn from them to really learn anything at all, and I think he was also confident that when the son had no where else to go, then he would choose to be with his father once more. I feel God does the same with us. Love can only exist out of choice. God wants real love, not controlled love.
It's not an exact parallel, but I suppose in the same way, there's nothing I can do to make these kids do anything. I can't truly control their heart. I can advise them, counsel them, guide them, lend them a hand, give them opportunity, give them a chance, give them an ear or a shoulder, but I can't make them want to learn. They have to want it.
This is my plan for now:
After school tutorials all day, erry day: The time I love the most is spent tutoring kids during lunch or after school. That's where I can really get into their head, really see how they learn, and really speak into their heart and mind. It also lets me get to know them and becomes a place where I'm much more approachable. There's no agenda, nothing to get done in class that has to be done, there's just a teacher and a student and the sacred exchange of wisdom and knowledge from one to another.
Calling parents: Myself and my teacher partner have been calling parents recently. For some kids, all we get is a disconnected number. For others, we talk with their parents and nothing changes. For others, there's an amazing difference in the kid's level of participation after you get their parent involved.
Give them a break: These kids didn't grow up like me. I make a lot of generalizations when I talk about them, and I know that. But those generalizations are often true. Many of them don't have safe neighborhoods. Many of them grow up around parents far different than mine. Many of them grow up with far less money than my family did. As far as nature vs. nurture is concerned, their nurture has been very poor. Some of them don't have English as a first language. Most of them are minorities. Not to say they don't have the ability to overcome it, but they have a bit steeper of a hill to climb. I'm quick to think, "How the heck do you not know how to long divide?" "Why are you whistling in class?" "Why are you cussing like that in the classroom?" "Why do you think it's okay to pop a girl's bra strap?" It goes on haha. Honestly though, as a good friend of mine has told me, that's just what they know.
I don't think this is a hopeless story. It's just one I haven't quite figured out yet. It's teaching me a lot about myself, and despite its difficulty, I still love this job. I just can't continue to try and do it alone.
I'll close with some pictures.
A band concert. Makes me miss the golden days.
Kick start belt ceremony
Some of my students putting on a show during lunch. So metal.
A few of my students putting on a concert after school. Awesome.
