Thoughts on Awkwardness

I hate saying things that others may not want to hear. It is truly terrifying, whether it's confronting a friend, telling someone no, or telling someone they have hurt me. Somehow I think I have always disposed to simply keep it to myself, hiding behind the curtain, looking out at the world, wanting to go out and play in it but too damn scared get off my butt. It's no wonder that video games like World of Warcraft warranted so much of my attention growing up. My heart longed for the adventure I was too terrified to experience. I was safe in front of my computer screen. I could be anyone, and I could be awesome at it too. Not so much all of the time in real life. In real life I'm human, and I need a shepherd. 

Does anyone else think being single can be incredibly awkward? Every conversation or interaction I have with a girl is managed through my own personal lens of, "Crap! Did I just send a signal out that I didn't want to?" or "Wait, what did she mean by that?" or "I better not be too nice, because then she'll think I like her." Very little of my time has been spent enjoying relationships I have, and very much of my time has been spent managing what I'm "saying" by what I do and say. It's like I'm trying to say things or not say things without actually just saying them. That's exhausting! And it's stupid! I know I'm not the only one who does it. I think a lot of people are a lot better at having authentic relationships than I am, but I also know I'm not the only "manager" of relationships. So I'll just be the first to say it (or at least maybe the first time I've been willing to admit it haha). Relationships are hard, and they are awkward, whether it's with the girl behind the counter at the coffee shop or someone in the group of friends you run with. People are always saying things, teasing, probing, assuming, and blah blah. If I'm at school and I talk to a female teacher, to my students it basically means that I am dating them. They walk up and make googly eyes and say things like, "Get some!" or "Oooooooo!!" They'll ask me, "Ooooo you like Ms. So and So don't you mister?" I mean I'm not asking for people to stop teasing or probing or whatever. That's what people do. They're not trying to be mean or annoying. They probably care and want to see you find some happiness. 

I think I'm pretty terrible at having honest conversations with people. I mean to actually walk around like Jesus did with such brutal honesty that is insane! I love these stories of his honesty and find encouragement in them to be a person who says the honest truth, whether it's awkward, difficult, or terrifying to say.

21 From that time Jesus began to show his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things from the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and on the third day be raised. 22 And Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him, saying, “Far be it from you, Lord![e] This shall never happen to you.” 23 But he turned and said to Peter,“Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance[f] to me. For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.”

Matthew 16: 21-23

Jesus straight up calls Peter, "Satan!" He confronted Peter. He wasn't afraid to call him out for where he was wrong. Unless it is a child in my classroom, it is very scary for me to look at someone and say, "Hey man, I think you're wrong here. You need to think about that again." 

I have to pause here to say that I may not even post this. About this far into a post my insecurity starts to seep in. My fingers are a little cold, so I'm not typing vey well. And I feel like my writing isn't as crafty as I've done in the past. I could polish it up and then make a post, but I wouldn't really be posting the "me" that IS the rough draft of my heart in a tough season, a season where relationships are difficult and require bravery and sacrifice. 

I can't say if this post will be one where people will enjoy what I have to say. It may just be a random hodgepodge of thoughts and confusing statements. But I suppose I can post it anyway. Because the real reason I'm writing isn't because I'm looking for approval of what any reader may say. I'm not looking to be "right" about whatever it is I say. There is no Life in either of those things. People have "approved" of my writing before, and that has done nothing for the holes in my heart. People have "agreed" with my writing before, and that also does nothing for the holes in my heart. I think Jesus is calling me to honesty and authenticity because that is where He is, and I don't know what I can say about what He wants for me other than that He is continually waiting for me in the scary, awkward, and uncomfortable places I'd rather hide behind the curtain than face. 

So this is my rough draft. On all of my other posts, I went back and changed sentence structures. I went back and thought of different ways to say things. I polished what I had to say. None of that this evening! 

My prayer for this is for this practice to be in person and not just a blog, not just me sitting in front of a computer screen sharing my heart, but jump into the world like Jesus does. 

Also, here is a picture of my new tarantula that I have many affections for.

And here is a picture of JJ Watt in a sweater because I have awesome students and parents who knit things for my class pets. Also here is a lovely pig named Applesauce. She is very sweet and oinks when you pet her. No she is not my new class pet (unfortunately). She belongs to another.