Rompin'

My doods and I went adventuring to Hamilton Pool this past weekend.
It was awesome.

I took a looooong break between this post and my last. For awhile I just didn't know what to say, and more recently I've just felt like what I have to say isn't really worth saying. I haven't been able to explain how I've met God the past few weeks, and I still don't. A perfect example of a place I'm meeting Him is literally right now. I'd like to be able to explain what has been going on the past two weeks, not just on here but to my friends or family, but I find myself unable to. And that is SO frustrating. I can't put into words what is going on, and that is hard. It reminds me of a moment I remember all too clearly from middle school. I was trying to do math homework, but I couldn't figure it out. My dad tried to help me, but I was too frustrated to accept help. It made me SO angry that I couldn't figure out how to do that math homework. I ended up ripping it in half and retaping it together before the night was over. I don't remember what happened after that. It's kind of funny looking back, but I feel the same exact way today when faced with a similar situation. I have a test tomorrow that I haven't studied for yet. I honestly don't know how to do study for it. We don't a review, and I didn't take notes. Honestly I'll probably do fine because I always participate in the class discussion/activities, but its frustrating for me because I don't know what to do to prepare for it. And this is where Jesus waits for me. This is where we are communing. This is where I'm getting to know Him better. I say "Jesus this is hard! I am willing to be loved here." I don't know how to explain what He does for me. I don't know how to explain how it happens, but I do know that something is happening when I go to Him when it gets hard. My friend Mr. Jon O compares it to drinking water, and I think I've used the analogy on this blog before but whatever... "Its like drinking water. You drink it when you're thirsty. You may not know exactly how it quenches your thirst, but it does." Take it for what its worth, but I like it.


I'm just putting this out there...

The doods of WYLDLIFE.

Last year I became a WyldLife Leader at Jane Long Middle School, an urban school in Bryan, TX. WyldLife is a part of Young Life and is a Christian organization created to share the gospel of Jesus with middle school kids. Wyldlife basically functions in 3 ways. Every week we have what we call “club”. At club all the students are invited to hang out, play games, and watch myself and my fellow leaders participate in ridiculous skits. Before we leave for the night we sit everyone down to talk about Jesus. Besides club, we spend time with the kids by going to visit their school lunch period or find time to hang out with them outside of school. A third component of WyldLife is summer camp. I went to camp last year with a group of middle school guys, and I absolutely loved it. Young Life declares camp as “The best week of your life!”, and it does not disappoint. It is hard to explain the experience of camp. Quite simply it is what I would imagine Heaven to resemble. There are great, epic stories of Jesus introducing Himself to kids at camp, and I really hope our kids get to be a part of that. 

Jane Long is located in a low income area, and very rarely do kids have both a mother and father to love and provide for them. As a result of this, many are denied the opportunity to go to camp. They simply do not have the money. We ask for help. If you’re interested in making a donation to help send a kid to camp, please do. Any amount will help, but it costs $375 to fully send one kid to camp. More importantly we ask for prayers. Getting kids to camp is nothing short of a miracle. There are a lot of moving parts with raising money, getting forms signed, getting them to commit, and any prayer for anything logistical is appreciated. Prayer is also great for kids while they are at camp, that they actually come to know Jesus as their Savior. Personally I feel like its tough to pray for something so general, so if you are interested I’d be more than willing to send more information about individual kids or more specific issues. All donations are very much appreciated. 

My buddies Marc, Cameron, Malik, and Jackson.

If you’d like to donate, please make checks payable to Young Life and send them to:

Calvin Mark

515 Nelson Ln.

College Station, TX 77840

God bless,

Calvin Mark

*For more information about Young Life and the ministry, visit www.younglife.org

*Call me at 903-941-1192 or email me at calvin9524@tamu.edu for any questions.

*To watch a camp promo video go to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9KmPabPb44 

rocks

The rock.

Again, the past week was not easy. In a nutshell, I felt the true meaning of being "caught between a rock and a hard place." It is very hard for me to not meet the expectations of others, to not be good enough to please others. It makes me ashamed and honestly just makes me feel like crap. At the same time, it is exhausting to try and meet those expectations, to be good enough to please everyone. Seriously, a rock and a hard place. I tried to just stop meeting expectations, but then I felt like crap. Either way it sucked. I continually sat with God in this. Most of the time it was just me kicking and screaming and saying bad words because it bothered me so much. I didn't know what to do, and I didn't know how to escape. But I kept going to Jesus, and I know thats why I am where I am now. I called Mr. Jon O and he reminded me something he always tells me. I'm trying at age 20 to reject meeting others expectations, but I didn't chose to reject that option in the past. I remember moments in my story where people grew upset or angry or disappointed with me, and my response every time was to try harder, to try my best to meet every expectation possible. It was my way of escaping the shame and pain of letting others down. I remember when I was in elementary school I would give the neighborhood kids snacks and drinks in hopes they would like me. I remember when my band director grew frustrated or upset with me for being unable to play music well I would try my hardest to practice and practice until I could. I remember getting a demerit in 3rd grade and crying because of it (this was probably the only demerit I ever got). There are countless moments like these, defining moments. I would not remember them so vividly if they did not mean something. And now I'm left today with a heart still aching from having never met Jesus in those moments. I always chose to meet expectations, but my heart was never loved in those moments. It is survival at best, and it is exhausting. Now, at 20, I've experienced this love. I can fail and know my Father is still proud of me, that He still loves me. I never really thought about the fact that I never accepted Jesus back in my story. But I still can accept Him there today. He'll love me there too.  I really don't understand how it works, but I know all I have to do is say yes to Him. He offers life, and I accept it. I can sit in my car and recall how hurtful it was to not meet those expectations back in elementary school or whenever. He listens, and somehow I feel like He's loving me there back in that moment. 

I still have a hard time accepting the fact that I seriously have to do nothing to earn anything. I live as if I do most of the time, but its becoming more apparent to me that it is plainly a gift. Literally, ALL I have to do is say "yes Jesus, I accept". Its like I've heard that my whole life and just kind of discounted it as too good to be true, or maybe I have just never experienced it so didn't know it actually existed. But that is the reality. It is a gift, and that is why it is just so great. I'll have to be reminded of this, but it is nice to know even for a short time. If I'm being honest though, I'm not really sure of all that I say. I couldn't put getting to know Jesus as a step-by-step plan or write a "how-to-know" Jesus book. I don't know how to tell others how to find freedom. I don't know how to tell others how to solve their problems. I don't know how to solve my own problems. I do know that if you want to know Him, and you ask to know Him then He will draw you near to Him. Its as simple as "yes Jesus, I accept". It takes a lot of believing in something incredibly farfetched, and it is not easy. Simple is definitely not easy in this case. But He's all about the communion. He's a person, and He wants to know us intimately. 

Last night I read a chapter of The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (the first one) that has been on my mind all day. I feel like its a metaphor for heaven. The Fellowship arrives in a place called Lothlorien (its a place where elves live) and this is what is written...

"The others cast themselves down upon the fragrant grass, but Frodo stood awhile still lost in wonder. It seemed to him that he had stepped through a high window that looked on a vanished world. A light was upon it for which his language had no name. All that he saw was shapely, but the shapes seemed at once clear cut, as if they had been first conceived and drawn at the uncovering of his eyes, and ancient as if they had endured for ever. He saw no colour but those he knew, gold and white and blue and green, but they were fresh and poignant, as if he had at that moment first perceived them and made for them names new and wonderful. In winter here no heart could mourn for summer or for spring. No blemish or sickness or deformity could be seen in anything that grew upon the earth. On the land of Lorien was no stain." - Tolkien

Heaven will be better than this. And this looks pretty awesome.

At the end of the day, we who have said yes to Jesus get to go to Heaven, which I'm sure will put this description to shame. That's pretty awesome, and its that easy to get there. 

PS: 4:11 am is way too late.

so freaking simple

A random bridge in the middle of the forest
in Honduras. Rando cool pic of the day.

This post starts out no differently than the last. Life has still been tough. I woke up Friday really frustrated. I was frustrated because I felt like I had been gaining weight. I've mentioned this before in my blog, but when I was younger I was really fat. Now anytime I feel like I've gained even the tiniest bit of weight I feel awful. I get angry and just feel ashamed of myself. I tried fighting it all day, but I felt unable to. I tried telling myself that God is okay with me, that He is still proud of me. But it really didn't help. The shame I felt was too strong. I tried, but I couldn't reject it. I fell hard. It made me irritable and annoyed with everyone and everything. I didn't know what was going on or how to fix things. I was too impatient to sit with God, so I just ran. I ran to all the comfortable sins and went to bed trying my hardest to just ignore it all. I felt defeated, and I just wanted to be numb. I woke up yesterday feeling the same way. My roommates and I decided to play basketball. Before we played I got to talk with one of my roommates about what was bothering me. I had kept it to myself for reasons I can't really explain, but I wanted to tell someone. I feel like that in itself was grace. Its always better to have another with you when you struggle. We played basketball and I just got really angry. I did awful, and I felt awful. I just gave up halfway through the second game, hardly making the effort to even walk down the court to help. We ended up losing that game. We lose a lot haha. We got home and I called my friend Mr. Jon O. I told him all I've written so far, and he pointed out the grace I couldn't see. I'm still not entirely sure I see it, but I hardly ever see what God is doing until its done and in the past. I still don't really see the grace.

I went to McDonalds between writing this paragraph and the last. I needed some fresh air/Dr. Pepper since I hadn't left the house yet today. Also, car rides are just great places to hang out with God. I felt frustrated because I didn't know what to do about all the shame I feel. Then I remembered that its so freaking simple. I'm in distress. I just have to say yes to Jesus. So much of my frustration with Jesus stems from the fact that I always feel like I should be doing something in order to receive Him, but it is not this way. He is free. He gives Himself to us as a gift. Its funny, I said to myself in the car "Gosh dang it Jesus, you freaking pwn. I accept. Yes. Thanks." I'm not sure what He's going to do with how I'm feeling, but that's kind of exciting. I know I'll be pleasantly surprised. I know I won't be so ashamed of myself forever. God's way too generous to let that happen. It reminds me of a quote I've always enjoyed: "The glory of God is man fully alive."- Saint Ireneus. So thats where I stand now, waiting for Jesus to be generous. He will be.