rocks

The rock.

Again, the past week was not easy. In a nutshell, I felt the true meaning of being "caught between a rock and a hard place." It is very hard for me to not meet the expectations of others, to not be good enough to please others. It makes me ashamed and honestly just makes me feel like crap. At the same time, it is exhausting to try and meet those expectations, to be good enough to please everyone. Seriously, a rock and a hard place. I tried to just stop meeting expectations, but then I felt like crap. Either way it sucked. I continually sat with God in this. Most of the time it was just me kicking and screaming and saying bad words because it bothered me so much. I didn't know what to do, and I didn't know how to escape. But I kept going to Jesus, and I know thats why I am where I am now. I called Mr. Jon O and he reminded me something he always tells me. I'm trying at age 20 to reject meeting others expectations, but I didn't chose to reject that option in the past. I remember moments in my story where people grew upset or angry or disappointed with me, and my response every time was to try harder, to try my best to meet every expectation possible. It was my way of escaping the shame and pain of letting others down. I remember when I was in elementary school I would give the neighborhood kids snacks and drinks in hopes they would like me. I remember when my band director grew frustrated or upset with me for being unable to play music well I would try my hardest to practice and practice until I could. I remember getting a demerit in 3rd grade and crying because of it (this was probably the only demerit I ever got). There are countless moments like these, defining moments. I would not remember them so vividly if they did not mean something. And now I'm left today with a heart still aching from having never met Jesus in those moments. I always chose to meet expectations, but my heart was never loved in those moments. It is survival at best, and it is exhausting. Now, at 20, I've experienced this love. I can fail and know my Father is still proud of me, that He still loves me. I never really thought about the fact that I never accepted Jesus back in my story. But I still can accept Him there today. He'll love me there too.  I really don't understand how it works, but I know all I have to do is say yes to Him. He offers life, and I accept it. I can sit in my car and recall how hurtful it was to not meet those expectations back in elementary school or whenever. He listens, and somehow I feel like He's loving me there back in that moment. 

I still have a hard time accepting the fact that I seriously have to do nothing to earn anything. I live as if I do most of the time, but its becoming more apparent to me that it is plainly a gift. Literally, ALL I have to do is say "yes Jesus, I accept". Its like I've heard that my whole life and just kind of discounted it as too good to be true, or maybe I have just never experienced it so didn't know it actually existed. But that is the reality. It is a gift, and that is why it is just so great. I'll have to be reminded of this, but it is nice to know even for a short time. If I'm being honest though, I'm not really sure of all that I say. I couldn't put getting to know Jesus as a step-by-step plan or write a "how-to-know" Jesus book. I don't know how to tell others how to find freedom. I don't know how to tell others how to solve their problems. I don't know how to solve my own problems. I do know that if you want to know Him, and you ask to know Him then He will draw you near to Him. Its as simple as "yes Jesus, I accept". It takes a lot of believing in something incredibly farfetched, and it is not easy. Simple is definitely not easy in this case. But He's all about the communion. He's a person, and He wants to know us intimately. 

Last night I read a chapter of The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (the first one) that has been on my mind all day. I feel like its a metaphor for heaven. The Fellowship arrives in a place called Lothlorien (its a place where elves live) and this is what is written...

"The others cast themselves down upon the fragrant grass, but Frodo stood awhile still lost in wonder. It seemed to him that he had stepped through a high window that looked on a vanished world. A light was upon it for which his language had no name. All that he saw was shapely, but the shapes seemed at once clear cut, as if they had been first conceived and drawn at the uncovering of his eyes, and ancient as if they had endured for ever. He saw no colour but those he knew, gold and white and blue and green, but they were fresh and poignant, as if he had at that moment first perceived them and made for them names new and wonderful. In winter here no heart could mourn for summer or for spring. No blemish or sickness or deformity could be seen in anything that grew upon the earth. On the land of Lorien was no stain." - Tolkien

Heaven will be better than this. And this looks pretty awesome.

At the end of the day, we who have said yes to Jesus get to go to Heaven, which I'm sure will put this description to shame. That's pretty awesome, and its that easy to get there. 

PS: 4:11 am is way too late.