so freaking simple

A random bridge in the middle of the forest
in Honduras. Rando cool pic of the day.

This post starts out no differently than the last. Life has still been tough. I woke up Friday really frustrated. I was frustrated because I felt like I had been gaining weight. I've mentioned this before in my blog, but when I was younger I was really fat. Now anytime I feel like I've gained even the tiniest bit of weight I feel awful. I get angry and just feel ashamed of myself. I tried fighting it all day, but I felt unable to. I tried telling myself that God is okay with me, that He is still proud of me. But it really didn't help. The shame I felt was too strong. I tried, but I couldn't reject it. I fell hard. It made me irritable and annoyed with everyone and everything. I didn't know what was going on or how to fix things. I was too impatient to sit with God, so I just ran. I ran to all the comfortable sins and went to bed trying my hardest to just ignore it all. I felt defeated, and I just wanted to be numb. I woke up yesterday feeling the same way. My roommates and I decided to play basketball. Before we played I got to talk with one of my roommates about what was bothering me. I had kept it to myself for reasons I can't really explain, but I wanted to tell someone. I feel like that in itself was grace. Its always better to have another with you when you struggle. We played basketball and I just got really angry. I did awful, and I felt awful. I just gave up halfway through the second game, hardly making the effort to even walk down the court to help. We ended up losing that game. We lose a lot haha. We got home and I called my friend Mr. Jon O. I told him all I've written so far, and he pointed out the grace I couldn't see. I'm still not entirely sure I see it, but I hardly ever see what God is doing until its done and in the past. I still don't really see the grace.

I went to McDonalds between writing this paragraph and the last. I needed some fresh air/Dr. Pepper since I hadn't left the house yet today. Also, car rides are just great places to hang out with God. I felt frustrated because I didn't know what to do about all the shame I feel. Then I remembered that its so freaking simple. I'm in distress. I just have to say yes to Jesus. So much of my frustration with Jesus stems from the fact that I always feel like I should be doing something in order to receive Him, but it is not this way. He is free. He gives Himself to us as a gift. Its funny, I said to myself in the car "Gosh dang it Jesus, you freaking pwn. I accept. Yes. Thanks." I'm not sure what He's going to do with how I'm feeling, but that's kind of exciting. I know I'll be pleasantly surprised. I know I won't be so ashamed of myself forever. God's way too generous to let that happen. It reminds me of a quote I've always enjoyed: "The glory of God is man fully alive."- Saint Ireneus. So thats where I stand now, waiting for Jesus to be generous. He will be.