The update

People often commend me for my efforts as a teacher. People say, "Man I couldn't do what you do! Man you must be so patient!" It's nice, but I have to admit, I hide behind it. It's easy to.

Kid in class checking out the Circulatory System of a goldfish under a microscope. You can actually see the blood moving in the capillaries! So cool!

When I was about 5 years old, I remember sitting in church while we were praying. I asked God, "God, I want to be a power ranger." I even remember where I sat, near the back on the bottom floor. Its kind of hilarious, the things little kids pray for, but I think that's my heart's prayer even today more often than I realize. I was a soft hearted kid, easily beat up by what neighborhood kids would say about me and easily offended. From the get-go, I decided being a power ranger would work for me, that it was who I needed to be in life to stay safe and be okay. If you're strong, if you're noble, if you're a good guy, people won't hurt you... right? It's highly logical in the eyes of a child. In the stories, heroes have friends and everything works out in the end.

Our kiddos at HoggWyld playing "bigger or better."

Flash forward twenty years... I love super hero comics, Master Chief, Star Wars, etc. A hero is strong, self-sacrificial, noble, something people can look up to, and I spend most of my waking moments trying to be that. My efforts have been generously thwarted by God many times, as He knew I was performing for others out of a dire need in my own heart, a desperate need to find refuge in an incredibly difficult world, a world where we are not for others what we need SOMEONE to be, a world where disappointment, despair, anger, and frustration runs rampant. It was never God's plan for me to save myself, and it took Him awhile to show me that I was trying to.

My kiddos in class playing a game to get them out of breath to talk about the Respiratory System

All I can say after trying to be the hero for so long is that it is not satisfying. It is still a lonely place, and every day you have to wake up and be that hero again. Even if you are, you are not exempt from the pains and trials of life, contrary to the lie I wove for myself at a young age. A happy ending does not come from being a good man. And how may times do we hear in church, "You are saved by grace alone"? I knew that intellectually, but what I did not realize until recently, buried under the weight of a great many responsibilities in school, ministry, and life in general, is that there is no Life in being your own hero. Others may benefit nonetheless, and that's great, but I believe God has more to offer than that life.

I'm beginning to think that God would say, "Lay down that identity at my feet. You don't have to walk this road alone. You don't have to shoulder the burden alone. Let me be your Hero." Its complicated, because there's no way I'm going to show up completely underprepared for school tomorrow or not try and help my kids who are signed up to travel to NYC and DC raise money for their trip. Those are my commitments, but it has given me the grace to decline coaching basketball this season, to be okay with saying no to commitments, and really the grace to CHOOSE Jesus Christ as my Hero, to let Him be God in a world that needs far more than any human hero can offer.

If my life were easier, if I kids in my classroom who were saying, "Woah, Mr. Mark! You're awesome! I'm going to sit quietly, not play around, and learn everything you teach to me!" then I would not have been worn down enough to meet God here. I would not be so tired at the thought of continuing to do what I do every day from my own strength. God has driven me into the desert to address the needs of my heart, for Him to say, "You who are thirsty, come to me and drink." I wouldn't even have known I was thirsty in the first place!

All that to say, I do still need to revisit my lesson planned for tomorrow, because part of being a teacher is knowing that what you planned probably needs to be changed based on where your kids are at as opposed to where you expected them to be. I still need to write a warm-up for tomorrow. Bleh! And honestly, even though God has worn me down to a place of needing His love, I still love my job. I love seeing kids enjoy themselves and the other leaders at HoggWyld where they normally would rarely enjoy such connections. I love getting to be in the struggle with them every day at school.

And I don't think the solution is to say, "All right. I hide behind my noble efforts, so I will stop trying." I think Jesus would rather say, "Choose me here. Let me be your Hero." And that is an adventure in itself. I don't know how God would love me in this place. I don't know what the "drink" will look like for my thirsty soul. But I am willing to choose it because I'm willing to believe it will be better than "trying harder" and better than "giving up to bitterness." And who knows what it would look like to show up as a teacher instead of from a needy place, from a place that I have received greatly and generously from Jesus Christ, time and time again?

The journey continues. And regardless of what that means for me and my relationship with Jesus Christ, I am still incredibly excited to see the new Star Wars in 59 days with my nerd friends on opening night. Watch this trailer if you have not. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGbxmsDFVnE
There is something magical and mythical about it. When Han Solo exclaims, "It's true. All of it. The Dark Side. The Jedi. They're real." I can't help but think about our world and the epicness of who Jesus Christ truly is. You could easily say, "It's true. All of it. The great enemy of our Father, Jesus Christ and His plan for our good. They're real."

Also, my pastor at Sojourn, Brandon Barker, pointed out to the whole congregation on Sunday that we as a church tend to hide in plain site. We show up, enjoy the service, go to parish, and we hide behind our smiles. I do it too. And as the journey continues, I don't think the opportunity for us as Christians is to only say, "Well, stop hiding!" I think we can also say, "Jesus Christ, I am hiding because I am a scared, broken, and hurting person. And I am choosing Your Life and Your Love here."

He's real, and He is faithful. Amen!