I haven't written in a long time. I still feel like I haven't gotten my act together, and as such, it leads me to believe I don't really have a whole lot to say. I left off with life as a teacher eating my lunch. Kids didn't care, they didn't listen, and I did not know what to do about it. I have learned a great deal about being a teacher and a WyldLife leader, but it is still quite the struggle.
A great story...
Who doesn't love a little Super Smash Bro's Brawl before club?
Thankfully, however, there have been some great stories to be thankful for. One involves a student of mine who I struggled with mightily. He would do absolutely nothing in class, he would snap at me when I got on to him, and he just didn't seem to care about life at all. A parent-teacher conference yielded no results. I had spoken to his other teachers, to my administrators, and nothing seemed to work. I was so frustrated, and I didn't have any idea what to do. I reached out and asked for prayers from friends, church, and from YL committee without thinking much of it. God showed up anyway.
Sometimes after school I go play basketball with some of my students. This kid happened to be there, and he happened to be on my team. I played like normal, not really expecting anything great to come from it. I'd pass him the ball, try to give him chances to score, to include him, and all of the sudden, he was a different kid. The kid I struggled with the most in class was doing his work and talking with me. He wasn't a genius overnight, but he was trying. He cared. It was sweet to be a part of that.
The difficulty of depravity...
Our Hermann Park Day, one of the best parks in H-Town.
#RPTS
It was a great story, but I so easily forget stories like that when I'm immersed in lives of hundreds of other kids who so desperately need stories like that. There are so many darn kids there, and each one comes with a life story full of heartbreaks and reasons to curl up into a ball and despair. You don't leave it behind when you leave work either. You get home and it lingers. Most days I get home and it's all I think about. Selfishly, I make it about me, beating myself up for my inabilities or shortcomings or whatever. There is so much freaking need there, and it owns me. Even when you make a huge difference in one life, and it's really awesome, you can't help but think, "what about the rest of the kids?" It's like a sinking ship. There are more holes than you know what to do with. You plug up one hole, or at least you think you do, and you turn around with a sinking feeling in your heart as you realize it was just one of many. I don't even really like that analogy, because people are so much more than holes to be plugged. They're people, with hopes and dreams, heartaches and disappointments, and so much more. Honestly, it's so difficult to walk out of there with a light heart. Many days I walk out doubting my faith and my assurance in God and His goodness and His faithfulness and anything that brings my heart peace and security.
So many of the students start out at a place like the kid I mentioned in that story. They need so much, and I just don't have it. I've spent most of my time trying to have what is needed, motivating myself to be better with blame and shame and anger, but that never works. It just makes things worse. I've made my life in the school all about me, about what I can or can't do, and I've completely forgotten that maybe what really matters is what God can do. And that can be such a freaking scary thought. I can't control what He will or will not do. I can't control who He'll save or will not save. I can't be God, and I'm a little scared to simply trust Him and let Him be God. It's terrifying to just walk with Him and let Him be enough instead of trying to be enough for every thing that's broken.
The struggle...
One of our club kids rockin' it on the drum set at club.
Honestly I feel like my response to my situation, as it has often been in the past, is to try and BE God. It sounds silly. I mean, I'm just a guy. Even with all of my talents and gifting, grace and patience, I'm NOT God. I think I've always wanted so badly to just be the guy who has it all together, to be the person people can turn to, to be the person with all of the answers and advice and ability, but I think God may have graciously placed me in this school, with this job, with the people I know because maybe He wants me to find something far better. He wants me to walk with Him and NOT know what to do, to walk with Him and not have the answers or the best way to do things. I mean I don't even know what that will look like. I've been trying to do things on my own in so many places I've hardly even given God the chance to show up and be Himself with me. Maybe He has graciously taken me into such an overwhelming situation, where I feel so incapable and tiny so that He can show me how big He is. Maybe then I'd finally forget about all of my shortcomings, all of my insecurities and failures. Then maybe I'd be comfortable walking with Him regardless of who I am. Maybe it's not about who we are, but who we walk with. I feel like it's a fork in the road here, where I can continue to try and do things on my own and let it kill me, or I can choose to walk with Jesus and accept the Life He would give. It reminds me of this...
What God says...
11 Now [j]suppose one of you fathers is asked by his son for a [k]fish; he will not give him a snake instead of a fish, will he?12 Or if he is asked for an egg, he will not give him a scorpion, will he?13 If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your[l]heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?” Luke 11:11-13
My kids rolling down a hill for fun on a trip to UT Austin.
You better believe I wish we were at A&M, but oh well!
For whatever reason I suppose I expect God to give me a snake when I need a fish. Maybe it is a chance for me to die to my strengths and just ask God for His gracious gifts. Sure it's terrifying if you don't know the one who holds the power to give what we need. Maybe that person isn't gracious, maybe that person will hold out on us, maybe they'll shorthand us, so why not try to make things work on our own? But I guess that's the lie rooted from the beginning, all the way back in the garden. Satan lies to Adam and Even and tells them God isn't enough. "Go ahead, eat the apple," he says. "It won't kill you. God is holding out on you." That lie has reigned in my life more than I've let my Father, and maybe it's just a good a time as any to reject that lie and ask God in spite of it, to take a leap of faith and knock on the door and see what happens. I've been so scared to ask, because I'm so scared to find out I'll be disappointed. I guess that's where courage comes in, to be willing to ask for help even when I'm scared I may not receive it.
Maybe there's another way...
SELFIES FA DAYS
From Urban Dictionary:
Selfie (noun): A picture taken of yourself that is
planned to be uploaded to the internet via Facebook or
any other social networking sight.
I've known Jesus for about 5 years now, and I've never been immersed in a community of depravity like I have been now. I guess with WyldLife at TAMU it was a little different. I wasn't with the kids all day. I didn't work at the school. Now, I'm there more often than not aside from sleeping. I feel the full brunt of how nasty life can be.
I always try to have the answers for people, to know what to do, but maybe something more valuable is to see what it may look like to be less than perfect at what you do and be on a journey to find out how great God is at what He does. Surely, He won't give us snakes when we ask for bread or fish. And that has to be where the courage comes in, to ask for what we so desperately need even when we doubt we'll receive it.
We're all so needy, and we were made to be fulfilled in spite of it. Yet, we find ourselves in a world where the one true source to find what we need is also one of the things we may doubt the most. Talk about a crazy story. I mean we look at it from the outside and we think, "bro! You need Jesus! Just turn to Him!" Yet, when we're at the center of our story, when all we can see are the brutal waves crashing down from every direction, it is so hard to just freaking turn and take God's outstretched hand.
To recap...
Tolkien, always a source of inspiration.
I know we all have our storms, the relentless waves of life that so mercilessly drown us. I hope we can find in the midst of it all the courage to reach out our hand for something we're not sure may be there, the promises of our Savior. I know I freaking need it. I can't keep my head above water on my own, and I don't see how I would ever expect to help other people out of their storms if I'm drowning in my own. I'm going to stretch out my hand there and hope for something ridiculous. I'm going to hope, as I have begun to in the past, and see if I'll find someone there, waiting for me to ask, waiting for me to choose Him.
It has been one of the most difficult years of my life, but I'm willing to bet God brought me here for a darn good reason. And I'm willing to bet it's going to only lead into my knowing Him and how great He is all the more. Only one way to find out.
Want a laugh?
If you want a decent laugh, check out a video we made for the kids on our "Birthday Club." To set up the context, the American Captain and the Manbat are two ongoing walk on characters for our club. In the video, our team is celebrating the birthday of the American Captain (the girl with the Captain America shield). The Manbat pays a visit to ensure she has a KAPOW of a birthday...
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