uhhhh

I woke up, walked into my kitchen, stopped, and thought "did I really just post that?" I'd like to delete the blog and just walk away from it. That would be safer. I may even end up doing that to be honest. I suppose its just a perfect example of the second guessing I put myself through every day. Just as I said, the questions of what people will say, who will reject it, was I wrong, and others fill up my thoughts. It scares me a bit. But I think I'll try trusting God a bit more. Even if I do end up being wrong or failing in some way, God waits for me in that.

I have to leave to go to work this morning, but I'll share another quick story before I go. I tell this story to people all of the time. It was a random Wednesday halfway through the semester. I had just woken up and I was frustrated. There were a few group projects due, and I felt like I couldn't do enough to do well on all of them. I felt like I wasn't doing good enough as a Wyldlife leader. I felt like I had failed my team and the kids. I felt like I wasn't being a good enough friend, or a good enough son, or brother. I felt like a failure, and that frustrated the hell out of me. I hopped in the car for tennis class and talked to God as we drove. I remember complaining, expressing my frustration with God, and right as I crossed Holleman and Anderson I heard "My son, you are doing just fine." It wasn't an audible voice, but I heard it. I paused as if it was to good to be true and kind of waited. I asked, "is that you God?" His reply was "My son, I am proud of you." I cried allll the way up to Tennis class. It was the most intimate moment I've ever had with my Father. I never called God that until then, but now it feels right to. Now I'm thrilled to call Him Father.  It was the perfect response to my survival. I figured if I could be perfect and win everyone's approval then I'd be okay, but that was exhausting. I was trying to be the perfect son, leader, friend, student, and brother and it was too much. I don't need to be. I had my Father's approval, and it wasn't based on what I have done. I was angry, complaining, I had ran from pain to various sin only the night before. I was not doing good. But He was proud of me. He loved me despite my actions. This experience alone didn't grant me total freedom, because I realized I have to choose to believe what He told me to be true instead of doubting. Its very easy, very familiar to just assume I'm a failure and run from whatever it is that scares me. He gave me an incredibly intimate moment to look back to as a sword and shield against lies. It was another one of those moments where I feel like you just have to experience it for yourself to completely relate. Anyway, I have to go get ready. I'll prob post again tonight. Lata