Just to get right down in the meaty stuff, the transition from college life to the real world has been harrrrrrd. I've found the most difficulty in my new job I've suffered quite the learning curve. And like most learning curves that has meant making a LOT of mistakes. That has weighed heavily on my heart. I want so bad to do things well, to help others and contribute and make a difference. I've done little of that. It's not even for a lack of effort. I try my best at work and still make tons of mistakes. It's incredibly frustrating and difficult. At one point I figured, "maybe this job isn't for me. Maybe I made a mistake in following God here." I didn't want to run, but i almost felt like that was my best choice. I vented one day to an old friend, explaining my frustrations and my thoughts on the matter. He called me to a different perspective. He saw it as no mistake. He saw it as God's every intent to bring me to a place I'm incredibly uncomfortable in. I've always been terrified of failing, of letting others down, and he said this is God's way of taking me right down into it. Because He waits there for me, to love me, to set me free. My friend said, "take this chance to get to know the grace of God while failing. This is where he waits for you." I heard all that and tucked it in my back pocket. I thought, "ya whatever, ill just try harder." Then I went ahead and tried harder to do better. It still wasn't enough. I was trying to be more careful and pay more attention to detail, but I still made more mistakes than I was comfortable with. It would frustrate my coworkers, which in turn frustrated me even more because I was letting others down. I grew furious with God, feeling like he led me to a difficult place and abandoned me. After quite a bit of time of sharing choice insults and disrespect (understatement) with God, I finally had a bit of a breakthrough today. I made a stupid mistake at work, deleting a whole file that should not have been deleted. I felt like an idiot. I asked my coworker for help and she exclaimed we'd have to get my boss's help on this one. Yet again I was going to have to own up to some idiot mistake I made. My coworker started to talk to my boss about it, taking responsibility for the deleted file. I walked over and made sure the boss knew it was my deal and that I'd take responsibility for it. That's not something I normally do. Growing up I'd always run from owning my mistakes. Even recently, like last week and more times than I'm proud last year, I'd avoid telling the truth to avoid being exposed as failing. I wasn't willing to go there. I would hope I could sweep it under the rug and spare myself the pain of letting others down. But today I knew I wasn't going to let my blame slide elsewhere. My coworker approached me later and exclaimed she appreciated my honesty. I thought nothing of it until much later in the day. I thought hmmm, maybe this is what's its like to appreciate the grace of God while failing. It was okay that I failed because God made something bigger come from it. He used it to grow me. To make me into a better man than I was before. I'm still afraid to mess up, especially afraid to mess up really bad in a place that really matters to me, like failing a close friend or a family member. And I've done my fair share of both in the past. But I know God is using this time, even though I'm making lots of mistakes. He is redeeming me, however painfully and slowly. And that'll be worth it. I'd rather deal with this now when I'm young and single than really screw up when I'm in a relationship or married with kids and really feel like a piece of crap for letting them down. I don't want to shut down if i let others down, and thats been my go to for far too long. It's not fun, but it'll be worth it. And one day God will find his place for me, where I can really offer the strength he's given me to others and really make a difference. That's his promise, to finish what he's started. He says it somewhere in the New Testament. I forget where. Shoulda spent more time on those memory verses.
I share all of this with one hope really. I feel like many of us experience this kind of difficult stuff in life. Some are able to push through it and succeed anyway. I just haven't been able to. The fear of failing existed far before this job. I've always felt the burden of fear in letting the people that matter to me down, and it has owned me. I've just had the blessing of perspective from an older, wiser Christian to let God love me right where I'm at, in a difficult season of life. Others will run into the same brick wall. And that wall feels as hopeless and as frustrating as hell. I share because I've found hope, or confidence describes it better really, that Jesus will show up for me where i need him. Jesus offers himself to us when our well has run dry, when we can no longer go anywhere but helplessly try and scramble up the walls of our own insecurity and fears. He reaches down for a way out. Not an easy way, but a way out nonetheless. All we have to do is stick our hand up, and say, "Jesus, I could use that rescuing about now." He did say "the son of man has come to save that which was lost." Welp, I've felt pretty damn lost, and thankfully, He is a man of his word. He came back for me.
I'm not sure when or how he's going to show up for me in the coming weeks and months, but I know when it's over he'll be one step closer on the road to painting his masterpiece. That'll be fun. He promises Life. I want to get in on that, whatever road it takes to get there. One day the prospect of failing won't be so terrifying. Ill have found Jesus in my failure again and again, and where He is, fear is not. That will be worth it. Confidence in Him, true confidence. To borrow from a man that enjoys a nice suit, that will be legendary. 
As is tradition (I am an aggie...). I won't post without a nice picture. So here is a story. This pretty little flower above is a birthday present my sweet, thoughtful little sister, Kaylin gave to me this year. The picture below is what the Houston heat did to it. 
Darn you Houston heat. Darn you.
No comments:
Post a Comment