Discount Tires...

Wouldn't be a post without a nature pic
to sooth the eyes, aye?
#Pedernales Falls State Park

This is a hard post to write for me. It isn't one of success or thankfulness. Its a hard season in life. My first few blog posts were victories for me. I could hang my hat on being courageous, but today is not a day of courage. Today my car broke down at Discount Tire, and I couldn't get it started for 3 hours. I knew it was God trying to get me alone with Him, to truly spend time with Him in hard places I've been reluctant to go into because of how hard they are. I grew angry, frustrated, and eventually upset. I went about it in my usual way, trying to figure out why I was feeling the way I was, but I couldn't do that. I've been sitting in a lot of feelings of longing and shame, and I didn't know what to make of them. Usually I push them away, I run, but I had nowhere to run this time. God wouldn't offer me answers because as my buddy Mr. Jon O pointed out, that would be missing the opportunity. God is a person, and He wants to be a refuge, a Father, a Savior in times where we have no idea what is going on. Were He to give me answers, I would never have had the opportunity to sit with Him as with a person, to be vulnerable and confused. I've put on a little Holiday weight, probably not even enough for anyone to notice but me, but it infuriated me. It was so hard for me and shamed me so much that I didn't have the will power or strength or whatever to control eating habits. I used to weigh a LOT more than I do now, and I always ran to food growing up when things got hard. I don't think I knew what I was doing then, and old habits die hard. It made me SO frustrated that I couldn't do it. I've always gotten frustrated with things when I can't do them. I remember ripping up math homework when I was in middle school because I was so frustrated at not being able to figure it out. I remember pounding the keyboard as a child when I couldn't beat the last level on some stupid fighting game. Even now it gets way under my skin when I can't get my computer working right, or when I lose in Halo, or when I fail anywhere. Its failure at the root of it. Failure chains me. I'm deeply ashamed and deeply afraid of it, and I live from that everywhere. I've met God again and again in failure and He's loved me so wonderfully in a lot of hard places of failure, but I suppose the issue is deeper than I give it credit. I've noticed lately how frustrated I get when I don't know how to help people. For one, it kind of robs me of some selfish glory because I can't be the one people say "oh he's so great, he helped me so much!". But I know its also the part of me that genuinely wants to love and help people. And often times, I don't know how to help people, all of the kids I hang out with in Wyldlife, people I see every day. I don't know how to help them, and thats really hard for me. I feel like a failure because of it. I can recognize now as a 20 year old that I'm not the one who's responsible for "helping" people. A lot of whether or not a person meets God is their own decision. I can recognize that I've only put on a tiny bit of weight and that isn't a big deal. I can remember that "its not whats on the outside but the inside that matters" blah blah. I can extend myself kindness, I can love myself, but the shame goes deeper than that. I was born into failure as human and a part of me has always known its not what I was created to be. I grew up ashamed of it and frustrated with it, and that child inside still feels the same way. I realized in the car I don't know what to do, I don't know how to handle it, I don't know how to make my way on my own, and that is scary. Even today I didn't tell the people around me how I felt after sitting in my car with God. I was scared, and I'm not even sure why. But I know I'm in a good place. I know I've been broken down into a place where I have the opportunity to let myself be loved by my Father. I don't have to manage my anger or frustration. I don't have to live with the chains of fear. I just say "Father, I'm willing to be loved here." In its basic element I guess its faith and learning to trust Him. Its not something I'm used to, even after He's been faithful so much. So thats how my story unfolds as I know not what to do but sit and trust Him. I don't even know if half the stuff I've said has any truth, but I know I just have to trust Him. Trust that He'll love me deep in the heart of the child that never had the opportunity to meet God back in all of those hard places.  Trust that He'll love me and sit with me as He already has so many times.

I have to share this song because #1 its from Lord of the Rings and #2 its just a beautiful song I always play when I get all upset and frustrated. If you like movie soundtracks, you'll enjoy this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rblt3u_Bocw